datsun79z
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Posts posted by datsun79z
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Just Fred
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day, he decides to give the driver a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man explains that he used to have a last name, but he lost it.
The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands, but plays along. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" he asks.
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree; so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while, I got bored being a doctor; so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then, the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then, the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred."
The officer was laughing so hard he was in tears, as he tore up the warning ticket and walked away.
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Q: How do you upgrade a Yugo car?
A: Put in an engine.
A. "TRADE IT FOR A TRABBIE" (the late great Roosian "people's car")
A. "PARK IT NEXT TO A PORTAJOHN.....AND LEAVE IT UNLOCKED"
A. "CRUSH IT AND USE IT FOR TRACTION BALLAST IN YOUR BIG DOG 4X4 PICKEMUP TRUCK"
Q: Why do Yugos have heated rear windows?
A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.
Q. What's the difference between a Yugo and the principal's office?
A. It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's
office.
Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.
A man goes to a parts garage:
Man: "Can I have a windshield wiper for a Yugo please?"
Parts man: "Yeah, that seems like a fair swap."
Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.
Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.
Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.
Q: What do you call a Yugo with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Half fill it with gasoline!
Q: How do you make a Yugo look good?
A: Park it between two Cadillacs!
Q: What to you call a Yugo with brakes?
A: Customized.
Q: What do you have to do if your Yugo gets in the way of a swarm of killer
bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge into the car.
Q: What is the Yugo owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.
Q: What do you call a Yugo with a seat belt?
A: A rucksack.
Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.
Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.
Q: What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire?
A: A write off.
STOP THE PRESS!!
Yugo has announced a new 16 Valve model for 1993.
8 in the engine, 8 in the radio.
- I can see you've got a new car - a Yugo!
- Yes, I won the second prize in a lottery.
- What was the first prize then?
- A fruit-basket!
Yugo will be introducing three new vehicles next year. They will have a moped called an "I Go". They will have a
4-door called a "We Go". They will also have a new station wagon called the "Y'all Go".
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I totally support BRAAP on his last post. This is one of the few sites we can come too that is always family rated. Thanks BRAAP.
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Traffic Control to pilot
LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!"
Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir."
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Wake up
I have two ducks that I use as an alarm clock.
They wake me up at the Quack of dawn.
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Bubbles
Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand. "What is your name?" he asked.
"Quack." the duck answered.
"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.
"I was stepping on bubbles." he answered.
The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one.
"What's your name?" he asked.
"Quack," the duck answered.
"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.
"I was stepping on bubbles." the duck replied.
Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck.
"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said.
"No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles."
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Skib;
That's hilarious.
Mike
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The Duck
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Gotany fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. We have only canned and dry goods." The next day, the duck returns." Got any fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor." On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?" "No." "Got any fresh fruit?"
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The Pilot
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
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The Cross-Eyed Bull
A farmer had a prized bull that had a problem - he was cross-eyed. A problem that caused him to have a hard time in his relationships with all the cows.
The farmer tried every cure imaginable but to no avail, until one day he spotted an ad in the local paper that said "Cross-eyed bulls cured by a vet instantly - $200.00. Guaranteed success or it's free!"
The farmer thought "I've got nothing to lose" so he called and set up an appointment for the vet to come out to his place.
The next day the vet showed up and examined the bull and said "Yup - I can fix this one for sure. Just get me 20 feet of garden hose and we'll get right on it."
The farmer got the hose and the vet shoved about 15 feet of it into the bull's rear end and told the farmer "You grab the animal's horns and watch his eyes. I'm going to blow real hard in the hose and you should see his eyes start to straighten out." The farmer did so and the vet started to blow hard. He blew and blew until he was red in the face and the farmer shouted in amazement " Yes! yes! it's working. His eyes are starting to straighten."
Suddenly the vet stopped, and panting hard says "I just can't do it any more. I'm dizzy, have a headache and am all winded out. You blow for a while and I'll watch the eyes."
So the farmer runs to the back of the bull, pulls out all the hose, turns it end for end and starts to re-insert it into the bull.
"What are you doing? shouts the vet. That is sickening"
"What" says the farmer, "you certainly didn't think I was going to put my mouth on the same end of the hose as you just did."
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The Leprechaun
A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one evening and began ordering pitchers of beer. After a few pitchers, the leprechaun looked around and saw a very large, mean-looking character sitting at the end of the bar. With a smile, the leprechaun ran to the end of the bar and stood in front of this guy. He laughed hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over the mean-looking fellow. Looking meaner and madder than ever, he reached out to grab the obnoxious little leprechaun, only to miss him as the leprechaun jumped up and ran back to his seat next to his friend.
''If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again or I'll rip off your little tallywagger!'' yelled the mean-looking man.
The leprechaun snickered and started on another pitcher of beer, while his friend told him he thought it would be better not to harass this guy again. A few pitchers of beer later, the leprechaun was beginning to feel pretty intoxicated and fun-loving. Once again, he looked down at the end of the bar and saw the same mean-looking man sitting there. The leprechaun chuckled, ran to the end of the bar to stand in front of the same man, began laughing hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over him again. The angry man reached out to grab the drunk little leprechaun and was successful in capturing him.
''All right, I've got you this time. I warned you before that if you came near me again I would rip off your little tallywagger and that is what I intend to do!''
The leprechaun laughed again and said, ''You can't do that!''
''Why not?'' asked his captor.
''Because,'' giggled the leprechaun, ''Leprechauns don't have tallywaggers!''
''Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?'' growled the angry man, ''How in the hell do ya pee?''
''Just like this!'' laughed the leprechaun as he stuck out his tongue and spit with all his might.
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The Three Strings
One summer day 3 Strings were walking down the sidewalk. It was hotter than blazes as they started passing a bar. All 3 Strings stop and look through the front window of the bar and watch the bartender as he pours a frosty pitcher of beer.
The 3 Stings saunter into the bar and sit down at a table. The 1st String says to his friends "stay here while I go get us a pitcher of beer". He gets up goes to the bar and orders a pitcher of beer. The bartender looks down at him and asks "are you a String"? The 1st String says "Yes, I am". The bartender says, "We don't serve Strings in here. Now get out of here". Discouraged, the 1st String goes back too his friends and tells them what happened.
The 2nd String says “you guys stay here, I’ll take care of itâ€. He goes up to the bartender and orders a pitcher of beer. The bartender looks at him and asks “are you a Stringâ€? He replies, “Yes, I amâ€. The bartender says “I just told your friend we do not serve Strings in here. Now get out of hereâ€. Shaken and dismayed the 2nd String goes back and tells his friends what happened.
The 3rd String says “you guys just aren’t doing this correctly. He stands up, reaches around to his back pocket and pulls out a comb. He then proceeds to run the comb thru his hair while vigorously shaking the end of his head. He puts the comb back into his pocket and twists himself around and ties himself into a knot. He then walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a pitcher of beer. The bartender asks him “Are you a Stringâ€? The String looks the bartender in the eye and replies “No, Fraid Knotâ€.
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What do you call a mushroom that buys his friends drinks all night long?
A fungguy to be with.
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What did the berry say to the farmer? Pick me, pick me.
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Zonker;
Try Oregon Plating. They are located on SE 6th, East of MLK Blvd. and North of Stark Street in SE Portland. They have been in buisness since the 60's. I have used them over the years and always been happy with the finished product they give me. They are not inexpensive, but they are good at what they do.
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What a great story. That's funnier than watching a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
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Subaru, Subaru, Subaru. Talk too Braapz about his Subaru. It's a four banger and runs on three of them at low speeds. Above 25mph it starts to run on all 4. It's an AWD, and when coasting down hills the car gets better than 30mpg.
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Wow! Wish I had a set of Tiger Paws and an automated Dash Fan on my ZX!!!!!!!
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You guys are being way too cruel. The 68 Pontiac GTO was a great car!
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That's the nuts.
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Redorae;
Welcome to HybridZ. Take JohnC's and RTz's advice. Both these gentlemen know what they are talking about. Best wishes.
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I went thru the same situation. Sadly, that is a permanent install. I had to cut and tear mine out one bit at a time. When I install the new one, it will be done using velcro.
Mike
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The cure for this problem is quite simple. On the body of the car, below the area where the gas cap comes to rest when fully seated you drill a hole into the body of the car. Next you install a normally open switch. You then wire this N/O swicth into the ignition circuit. Now, after fueling up if you forget to secure the gas cap in place you will have an open circuit in the ignition system and the engine will not start. You will never leave a gas cap behind using this method.
Mike
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JSM;
You should make a sleeper out of it, then blow the doors off of newer fancy cars, like Honda's.
Mike
Just for yuks (Keep it G rated!)
in Non Tech Board
Posted
WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT
When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days.
Pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.
I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.
Pilots should be brave to they won't get scared it it's foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off.
Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.
The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it is.
I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.
— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News.