Diary of a Snow Shoveler

[smoorenc]

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

 

December 8: 6:00 PM.

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I

sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down

from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt

like newlyweds again. I love snow!

 

December 9:

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every

inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more

lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've

ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy

again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the

snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the

driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

 

December 12:

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My

neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white

Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have

so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow

again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm

glad he's our neighbor.

 

December 14:

Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20.

The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away,

but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the

life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything

again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,

but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff

and puff so.

 

December 15:

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Explorer. Bought

snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the

freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes

out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

 

December 16:

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway

putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour,

which I think was very cruel.

 

December 17:

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to

stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate

her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to

her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death

in my own living room.

 

December 20:

Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the stuff last night.

More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a

neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing

hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around

to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another

shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel

or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

 

December 22:

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the

white stuff fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till

August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel

and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed

again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on

his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I

think he's is lying.

 

December 23:

Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to

decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she ... nuts???

Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I

think she's lying.

 

December 24:

6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I

was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that guy who drives that

snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his hair. I know he hides

around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he

comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over

where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas

carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the

snowplow.

 

December 25:

Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #$%&*!! slop tonight. Snowed

in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then

the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over

the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think

she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more

time, I'm going to kill her.

 

December 26:

Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's

really getting on my nerves.

 

December 27:

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

 

December 28:

Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. SHE is driving me crazy!!!

 

December 29:

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave

in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I

am?

 

December 30:

Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars

for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. Another 9"

predicted.

 

December 31:

Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

 

January 8:

I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving

me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Gareth]

LOL!

 

It was almost the same at my place two years ago. There were literally MOUNTAINS of snow outside of the house. Of course, I was the one who had to shovel the snow out to make any passes from the door to the front gate. I hat do dig a few cubic metres of snow to get to the cars that were parked on the driveway, and then I had to move the snow that I dug from in front of the garage gate behind the neighbour's fence (poor him). Then I realised that only 2 cars out of 4 actually started, so I had to push the broken ones out to the street, take out the working ones from the garage, start the working ones and at least try to start the immovable ones. It worked, but after that the two previously immovable cars were stuck in snow... And I had to CRAWL under the cars to level and beat down the fresh, soft snow. It worked, and soon after that my sister got stuck in a pile of snow that I made up earlier... So I had to walk out, and dressed in my tracksuit only I had to crawl under the car again and put two pieces of wood under the wheels for it to drive out normally. When she got stuck again, I drove her car out of the friggin snow, left the car when the asphalt could be seen through the thin layer of snow, and walked home...

 

[Globerunner513]