datsun79z Posted April 29, 2009 Share Posted April 29, 2009 What did the berry say to the farmer? Pick me, pick me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators BRAAP Posted April 30, 2009 Administrators Share Posted April 30, 2009 What did the male strawberry say to the female strawberry? "If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators RTz Posted April 30, 2009 Administrators Share Posted April 30, 2009 Why was Tigger looking in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators BRAAP Posted April 30, 2009 Administrators Share Posted April 30, 2009 What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators RTz Posted April 30, 2009 Administrators Share Posted April 30, 2009 How 'bout a dog? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators BRAAP Posted April 30, 2009 Administrators Share Posted April 30, 2009 Doesn't matter what you call him, he isn't going to come! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators RTz Posted April 30, 2009 Administrators Share Posted April 30, 2009 Why did Captain Kirk pee on the ceiling? He wanted to go where no man had gone before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 What do you call a mushroom that buys his friends drinks all night long? A fungguy to be with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skib Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 lol you guys crack me up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 The Three Strings One summer day 3 Strings were walking down the sidewalk. It was hotter than blazes as they started passing a bar. All 3 Strings stop and look through the front window of the bar and watch the bartender as he pours a frosty pitcher of beer. The 3 Stings saunter into the bar and sit down at a table. The 1st String says to his friends "stay here while I go get us a pitcher of beer". He gets up goes to the bar and orders a pitcher of beer. The bartender looks down at him and asks "are you a String"? The 1st String says "Yes, I am". The bartender says, "We don't serve Strings in here. Now get out of here". Discouraged, the 1st String goes back too his friends and tells them what happened. The 2nd String says “you guys stay here, I’ll take care of itâ€. He goes up to the bartender and orders a pitcher of beer. The bartender looks at him and asks “are you a Stringâ€? He replies, “Yes, I amâ€. The bartender says “I just told your friend we do not serve Strings in here. Now get out of hereâ€. Shaken and dismayed the 2nd String goes back and tells his friends what happened. The 3rd String says “you guys just aren’t doing this correctly. He stands up, reaches around to his back pocket and pulls out a comb. He then proceeds to run the comb thru his hair while vigorously shaking the end of his head. He puts the comb back into his pocket and twists himself around and ties himself into a knot. He then walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a pitcher of beer. The bartender asks him “Are you a Stringâ€? The String looks the bartender in the eye and replies “No, Fraid Knotâ€. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 1, 2009 Author Share Posted May 1, 2009 The Leprechaun A leprechaun and his friend walked into a bar one evening and began ordering pitchers of beer. After a few pitchers, the leprechaun looked around and saw a very large, mean-looking character sitting at the end of the bar. With a smile, the leprechaun ran to the end of the bar and stood in front of this guy. He laughed hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over the mean-looking fellow. Looking meaner and madder than ever, he reached out to grab the obnoxious little leprechaun, only to miss him as the leprechaun jumped up and ran back to his seat next to his friend. ''If you know what's good for you, don't come near me again or I'll rip off your little tallywagger!'' yelled the mean-looking man. The leprechaun snickered and started on another pitcher of beer, while his friend told him he thought it would be better not to harass this guy again. A few pitchers of beer later, the leprechaun was beginning to feel pretty intoxicated and fun-loving. Once again, he looked down at the end of the bar and saw the same mean-looking man sitting there. The leprechaun chuckled, ran to the end of the bar to stand in front of the same man, began laughing hysterically, stuck out his tongue and spit all over him again. The angry man reached out to grab the drunk little leprechaun and was successful in capturing him. ''All right, I've got you this time. I warned you before that if you came near me again I would rip off your little tallywagger and that is what I intend to do!'' The leprechaun laughed again and said, ''You can't do that!'' ''Why not?'' asked his captor. ''Because,'' giggled the leprechaun, ''Leprechauns don't have tallywaggers!'' ''Whadda ya mean you don't have a tallywagger?'' growled the angry man, ''How in the hell do ya pee?'' ''Just like this!'' laughed the leprechaun as he stuck out his tongue and spit with all his might. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavyZ Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic". Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavyZ Posted May 1, 2009 Share Posted May 1, 2009 Ole and Sven were fishing on the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??' 'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie..' 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked. 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole. 'Could I see him?' Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. ? Vill you grant me vun vish?' 'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 2, 2009 Author Share Posted May 2, 2009 The Cross-Eyed Bull A farmer had a prized bull that had a problem - he was cross-eyed. A problem that caused him to have a hard time in his relationships with all the cows. The farmer tried every cure imaginable but to no avail, until one day he spotted an ad in the local paper that said "Cross-eyed bulls cured by a vet instantly - $200.00. Guaranteed success or it's free!" The farmer thought "I've got nothing to lose" so he called and set up an appointment for the vet to come out to his place. The next day the vet showed up and examined the bull and said "Yup - I can fix this one for sure. Just get me 20 feet of garden hose and we'll get right on it." The farmer got the hose and the vet shoved about 15 feet of it into the bull's rear end and told the farmer "You grab the animal's horns and watch his eyes. I'm going to blow real hard in the hose and you should see his eyes start to straighten out." The farmer did so and the vet started to blow hard. He blew and blew until he was red in the face and the farmer shouted in amazement " Yes! yes! it's working. His eyes are starting to straighten." Suddenly the vet stopped, and panting hard says "I just can't do it any more. I'm dizzy, have a headache and am all winded out. You blow for a while and I'll watch the eyes." So the farmer runs to the back of the bull, pulls out all the hose, turns it end for end and starts to re-insert it into the bull. "What are you doing? shouts the vet. That is sickening" "What" says the farmer, "you certainly didn't think I was going to put my mouth on the same end of the hose as you just did." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
at-jefft Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 two pretzels are walking down the street. One gets assaulted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators BRAAP Posted May 3, 2009 Administrators Share Posted May 3, 2009 A horse walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and asks, "Why the long face?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators BRAAP Posted May 3, 2009 Administrators Share Posted May 3, 2009 A Blonde walks into a bar... "Ouch", she says. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators BRAAP Posted May 3, 2009 Administrators Share Posted May 3, 2009 I found myself staring intently at a box of Orange juice recently.... It said "Concentrate".. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbk240z Posted May 3, 2009 Share Posted May 3, 2009 So, I have been having this body odor problem, my standard deoderant just stopped working. I decided to try a new deoderant. I read the directions: remove top and push up bottom. Well the body odor is still here, and I am walking funny, but man, do my farts smell good! LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 The Pilot The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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