datsun79z Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 The Duck A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Gotany fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. We have only canned and dry goods." The next day, the duck returns." Got any fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor." On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?" "No." "Got any fresh fruit?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skib Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-five's, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 4, 2009 Author Share Posted May 4, 2009 Skib; That's hilarious. Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skib Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 cant let ya have all the fun here A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skib Posted May 4, 2009 Share Posted May 4, 2009 In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The Doctor quickly responded, "$5000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain." The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Bubbles Three ducks went into court. The judge called the first one to the stand. "What is your name?" he asked. "Quack." the duck answered. "And why were you arrested?" the judge asked. "I was stepping on bubbles." he answered. The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the duck and called up the next one. "What's your name?" he asked. "Quack," the duck answered. "Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked. "I was stepping on bubbles." the duck replied. Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, so he called up the next duck. "What's your name?? No wait, let me guess, Quack." he said. "No," said the duck, "My name is Bubbles." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Wake up I have two ducks that I use as an alarm clock. They wake me up at the Quack of dawn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Traffic Control to pilot LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!" Tower: "It's Tuesday, Sir." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
280zjoel Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 A Dog walks into a bar and says, "Im lookin fer da man who shot muh paw." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators RTz Posted May 5, 2009 Administrators Share Posted May 5, 2009 For what purpose does the propeller serve on an airplane? It keeps the pilot cool. Proof, you say?... If it stops, the pilot WILL sweat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators RTz Posted May 5, 2009 Administrators Share Posted May 5, 2009 Why don't blonde's make Koolaid? They can't figure out how to get 4 quarts of water into that little package. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators BRAAP Posted May 5, 2009 Administrators Share Posted May 5, 2009 A smart Blonde, a Dumb blonde, and Santa Claus were all racing towards a $100 bill. Who do you think got it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasper Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 What did they find in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise??????? The Captains Log. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators BRAAP Posted May 5, 2009 Administrators Share Posted May 5, 2009 A smart Blonde, a Dumb blonde, and Santa Claus were all racing towards a $100 bill. Who do you think got it? Like duh!?!? Everyone knows there is no such thing as Santa Claus or a smart Blonde!.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators BRAAP Posted May 5, 2009 Administrators Share Posted May 5, 2009 Just deleted 2 posts for going beyond PG! C'mon guys!?!? This sort of thread really has no place on this forum to begin with, but we'll relax a bit and leave it if you can manage some self control, i.e. keep it G-PG. Hey, here's a thought. How about sticking with the clean-joke theme that is established and tell your trailer trash jokes to uncle Bahb? Next unclean joke posted and this thread gets deleted and the offeneder gets a 3-10 day suspension, depending on my mood! SAVVY? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 I totally support BRAAP on his last post. This is one of the few sites we can come too that is always family rated. Thanks BRAAP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 5, 2009 Author Share Posted May 5, 2009 Q: How do you upgrade a Yugo car? A: Put in an engine. A. "TRADE IT FOR A TRABBIE" (the late great Roosian "people's car") A. "PARK IT NEXT TO A PORTAJOHN.....AND LEAVE IT UNLOCKED" A. "CRUSH IT AND USE IT FOR TRACTION BALLAST IN YOUR BIG DOG 4X4 PICKEMUP TRUCK" Q: Why do Yugos have heated rear windows? A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them. Q. What's the difference between a Yugo and the principal's office? A. It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's office. Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user's manual? A: The train & bus schedule. A man goes to a parts garage: Man: "Can I have a windshield wiper for a Yugo please?" Parts man: "Yeah, that seems like a fair swap." Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo? A: The driver wears Nike shoes. Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill? A: A miracle. Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill? A: A mirage. Q: What do you call a Yugo with dual exhausts? A: A wheelbarrow Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo? A: Half fill it with gasoline! Q: How do you make a Yugo look good? A: Park it between two Cadillacs! Q: What to you call a Yugo with brakes? A: Customized. Q: What do you have to do if your Yugo gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees? A: Stop pushing and take refuge into the car. Q: What is the Yugo owner's most ardent wish? A: To buy a car. Q: What do you call a Yugo with a seat belt? A: A rucksack. Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster uphill? A: Throw out the passenger. Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster downhill? A: Turn off the engine. Q: What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire? A: A write off. STOP THE PRESS!! Yugo has announced a new 16 Valve model for 1993. 8 in the engine, 8 in the radio. - I can see you've got a new car - a Yugo! - Yes, I won the second prize in a lottery. - What was the first prize then? - A fruit-basket! Yugo will be introducing three new vehicles next year. They will have a moped called an "I Go". They will have a 4-door called a "We Go". They will also have a new station wagon called the "Y'all Go". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robrob Posted May 5, 2009 Share Posted May 5, 2009 What are the two sexiest animals in the barn yard? Brown chicken brown cow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 6, 2009 Author Share Posted May 6, 2009 Just Fred A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day, he decides to give the driver a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man explains that he used to have a last name, but he lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands, but plays along. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" he asks. The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree; so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while, I got bored being a doctor; so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then, the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then, the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred." The officer was laughing so hard he was in tears, as he tore up the warning ticket and walked away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsun79z Posted May 7, 2009 Author Share Posted May 7, 2009 WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days. Pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments. I guess they should be able to read a road map, too. Pilots should be brave to they won't get scared it it's foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off. Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are. The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it is. I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work. — purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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