auxilary Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 From a recent issue of MPH. Some ideas, ordering shellfish in Nebraska, keeping a pet kinkajou, giving the three-six mafia only one Academy award--are merely bad. For an idea to descend to the depths of the spectacularly awful, it needs something extra--a life of it's own. In the automotive realm, the very worst ideas linger forever; as butts of jokes, in cautionary tales to the industry, and on patches sewn into the windbreakers of car-club members who still live with their mothers. Here's how they happen. 10. *** Heavy Sports Cars PROBLEM: "We started WW2 and all I got was this lousy people's car". EUREKA MOMENT: "Let's make a sports car out of (GULP) a VW"! RESULT: Flying colon first into the forest. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG: Sure, rear-engined cars like to go ***-backwards into the trees, but 1930's Germany didn't exactly stress out over who bought der farm and who didn't. The Ferdinand Porsche designed KDF-Wagen(for Knichtdumpen der foot-wagen, or "Lift & you're toast-mobile") thus went forward, reappearing after the war as the Beetle, possibly still bitter about that whole "tossed-in-a-French-prison-as-a-war-criminal" thing. Ferdinand and his son Ferry created a car capable of flying twice as far off the road as the KDF, the firm is still using this layout for cars that can fly off the road backward faster and farther than ever though possible. 9. Copper Brazed Crosley PROBLEM: "Cast-iron is as heavy as...you know, what's that stuff? Cast iron.". EUREKA MOMENT: "Let's stack together 125 steel plates luike passover matzohs, then let's spread flux in the middle like schmaltz. Then let's run it all through an over and fuse them together like aunt Sophie's rugalach...Ummm, is anyone else getting hungry here?" RESULT: Right...like that's ever going to work.. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG: Where didn't it go wrong? The plates de-laminated. The blocks sprang leaks, the pistons burned up, the cylinders turned oval, electrolysis turned the whole thing into one giant battery. Okay, admittedly, the system did save an entire 12 pounds. 8. Buying Maserati PROBLEM: "Your car company is: A) Too boring, Too profitable, C) Not giving board members enough chances to score with hot eurochicks". EUREKA MOMENT: "Hey Knuckles, let's buy Maserati--Dat'll class up da joint"! RESULT: Eurochicks don't seem nearly as hot in a Chrysler TC. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG Notice I didn't say "Buying a Maserati". This is about buying Automobili Maserati Spa, the teak sailboat of carmakers. Flashy, expensive and quick to go underwater. The Maserati brothers were smart enough to doff this chicken outfit some 70 years ago, since then it's had mortifyingly embarrasing marriages to Citroen, DeTomaso, Chrysler, Fiat, Ferrari and David Gest...No, wait, that last one was to Liza Minelli. 7. The Oldsmobile 350 Diesel PROBLEM: "My 350 cubic inch V8 dosen't vibrate and smoke enough..also, could you make it incredibly slow?". EUREKA MOMENT: "At last! An engine that's supposed to burn oil"! RESULT: Stretched head bolts, blown rings, a smoky pox on our life giving earth-mother, reduced transmission of the west-nile virus(Well, that's good at any rate), Various class-action lawsuits. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG: Contrary to popular belief, Olds built the snot out of these things. The Diesel 350's block was so heavy, it made it's own gravity well. Alas, that just made things all the more spectacular when the cylinders went nuclear thanks to the highly advanced fuel filtration systen on the car, which consisted of two old socks and a spaghetti strainer which made the fuel system clog up. Of course, most owners didn't mind, since even a running 350 Diesel was so gutless that often the main symptom of massive engine failure was the relative lack of noise and smoke. Incidentally, if you wanted a Caddy in 1981, but didn't trust the V8-6-4, this was your only alternative, a classic "Bush vs. Kerry scenario. 6. The Cadillac V8-6-4 PROBLEM: "It's 1981, you're Cadillac, and rising gas prices are cutting into your core buyer group's social security checks". EUREKA MOMENT: "Let's make it shut down a few cylinders at a time now and then...No, i mean on purpose this time"! RESULT: Cadillac's V8-6-4. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG: Asking a 1981 ECU to figure out cylinder deactivation and reactivation was like asking a waffle iron to run Halo. The decision usually took just long enough for the car to get creamed by a bread truck. SPECIAL CITATION: The Vanessa Williams Commemorative Cup(awarded to the nearly-as-bad idea that would cripple the car should the worst idea be unable to fulfil it's duties) goes to the V8-6-4's fuel injectors. It only had two, with them being as reliable as ten-year-old Cheez Whiz...When either one went out, the rest of the engine went with it. 5. The Pontiac Aztek PROBLEM: "Effective "Crying Indian" campaign overly beautified by U.S. roads". EUREKA MOMENT: "This is a joke, right? Ed...Tell me this is a joke." RESULT: Crying indian asks if we just can't go back to the litter. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG: Mass production 4. SU Jet seals PROBLEM: "Sure, SU carburetors already have lots of little leaks, but we want a real over-achiever.". EUREKA MOMENT: "Of course, It's so obvious, a tiny cork, shaped like a guinea pig's foreskin." RESULT: Spontaneous combustion. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG: Due to lackadaisical evolution on the part of the spanish cork-oak, a critical gasket inside the Su carburetor dosen't seal very well after performing it's primary task, getting a hot tube full of gasoline repeatedly shoved into it's recently punched out cornhole. SPECIAL CITATION: The coveted Bronson Pinchot Achievement Plaque, awarded to the worst idea ever integral to another of the worst ideas. 3. SU Carburetors PROBLEM: "The typical carburetor has more than 230,000 parts, someof which are so small that their existence has only recently been proven by particle physicisists. The latter include flatons, anti-floatons, top jets, and charm jets". EUREKA MOMENT: "Right-O lads, 'eer's what we do. We take this giant piston, right, then we drill a hole in the bottom, Yeah? Right, now here's the corker, this piston, see this little bugger gets sucked up and down whn you..Oh, hold on a tick, first you pour oil in the top..sod it all! Now I've forgotten me place." RESULT: Constant need for adjustment, mediocre power, lifetime employment for hairy eared, coverall wearing old farts. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG: In principle, the SU was one of the best ideas in cardom, Just three parts and an oil sump replace all the butterflies, pumps, pulloffs, burpees, check balls, ringworms, hogsheads and so on required by regular carburetors. The mistake was letting the English contruct them, resulting in aluminum and Play Doh alloys, gaskets made out of old newspaper and more unwanted leaks than a motel full of perverts on a free Cinemax weekend. 2. Commie Fiberglass PROBLEM: "The N. Lenin 5th of May People's Revolutionary Smelting Manufactory #348 can't make enough steel for your new commie-car, the Trabant". EUREKA MOMENT: "One word Boyovich. Plastics." RESULT: Flimsy, self propelled goat food. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG: Since all of East Germany's fiberglass had been used up for the construction of Mothra-sized Stalin busts, Trabant had to invent a new plastic composite out of old rags, dried potato roots and various floor sweepings. Said material was quickly named "Duraplast", from the Russian word, "Dyura", meaning "Your" and "Plasna" meaning "*** is heading to the gulag if we don't see a car made out of this soon". Ah, but not all fibers are created equal, if they were, Owens Corning would be making everything out of resin-impregnated Wheat Chex. With it's tensilestrength derrived from the glorious used jockstraps of the masses, and recycled back issues of Pravda, Duraplast came out flimsy, lumpy, gasoline soluble, and intriguingly, delicious to rats, a demographic that quickly became the car's biggest fans. Trabant soon added steel wires for extra stiffness, helping to achieve yet another Soviet first...Plastic that rusts. 1. Digital Dashboards PROBLEM: "Sure, needles and dials are informative, but can they entertain? I mean, really, likeTom Jones entertains? EUREKA MOMENT: "From now on, when someone thinks "Corvette" I want them to think "Pac-Man" RESULT: Perfectly good analog systems replaced by fragile, expensive screens that are impossible to see in the daylight. On the plus side, subliminal messages in the tach cluster could have been used to create a still untapped zombie army. WHERE IT WENT TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY WRONG: Too much TRON, Not enough NASA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest manntis Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 tossup between teh Aztek & digital dashboards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
olie05 Posted May 18, 2006 Share Posted May 18, 2006 lol. thats just funny. i like the first one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaparral2f Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 I thought the kinda looked like a 510 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
280zwitha383 Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Where's the fart can, or the wing on a FWD car:nono: , or the mustang GT:lmao: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drax240z Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Totally disagree with the SU thing! But then again I haven't worked on the british ones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alsil Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Pontiac Aztek, hands down. That thing is one UGLY turd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
b__sosick Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Also, I have to agree with the digital dashboard thing.... But the trick is to make the car fast enough so you're too scared to look down from the road and into the gauge cluster. >:] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrandonsZ Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 Also, I have to agree with the digital dashboard thing.... But the trick is to make the car fast enough so you're too scared to look down from the road and into the gauge cluster. >:] that should work, But then again, my analog guage is so slow it usually says I'm doing 10-20 MPH slower than I am at any given moment unless I'm cruzing. This has led to many "O-S***!" moments. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veritech-z Posted May 19, 2006 Share Posted May 19, 2006 you forgot: Ford Nucleon Problem: "Auto accidents don't involve enough collateral damage...Is there any way we can kick it up a notch?" eureka moment: "That uppity gas station attendant has left my cap off for the last time! this ought to take him down a peg..." result: Cold war propaganda about the dangers of mutated bigfoots living on the mountains of toxic waste produced by the spent uranium the 5000 mile change interval of the ford nucleon would produce caused a political fallout at ford motor company, leading to the premature disposal of this idea. where it went terribly, terribly wrong: too much Dr. Strangelove, not enough batman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strotter Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 *** heavy sports cars? ExSqueeze me? Have these guys ever actually *driven* a Porsche? Didn't seem like a dumb idea to me, last time my buddy let me drive his 911, I threading a perfect line at RIDICULOUS speed on a road I honestly didn't believe couldn't be comfortably driven at half that speed... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mentallylost Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 Pontiac Aztek, hands down. That thing is one UGLY turd. I wanted one badly. It was one of the few times that the wife has said "NO!" Without the possibility of a budge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jgkurz Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 Pontiac Aztek, hands down. That thing is one UGLY turd. My fiancé has one, no kidding. I'm considering a pre-nup that requires selling of said car/truck/van or whatever it is prior to the wedding. I'm not sure I want to have my good name attached to such a vehicular travesty. I do have to admit one value. It's the only car I've ever seen has enough BLING that no teenager would want to add a body kit or wing... Boy am I in for it after she reads this post... John Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest john'sfiance Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 What my dear, sweet fiance neglected to mention is that the Aztec is also the PERFECT vehicle for dog transport - and since John will soon have a 140 lb step-Rottweiler , he should be happy that I have the Aztec. Bear wouldn't fit very well in the Z. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CruxGNZ Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 John's been busted! Ha ha! Okay, that aside, 140 lb. Rott? Named Bear? Holy crap! That is a large dog with an intimidating name. I like big dogs (had a couple German Shepherds), but 100 lbs is my cap (females). Anything bigger and it's like having another kid living with you (food, maintenance). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spotfitz Posted May 20, 2006 Share Posted May 20, 2006 Anything bigger and it's like having another kid living with you (food, maintenance). Tell me about it! Ours is only 80lbs and almost eats us out of house and home. Then add the pit bull, english springer and 3 cats. I just recently got a pekingese/chihuahua(picture the shape of a pek and the size of the chi), which is more like a cat then a dog. Cats are still confused after 2 weeks. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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