Just for yuks (Keep it G rated!)

[datsun79z]

Why did the carpenter stop off at the local prison?

 

He wanted to make sure everyone was...........on the level.

[datsun79z]

The Ferrari

 

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.

An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting

back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, " Yea Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.

[datsun79z]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

 

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

 

 

ATTORNEY: Now d doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

 

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

 

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

 

 

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

 

 

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

 

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

 

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

 

 

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Edited May 12, 2009 by BRAAP

[datsun79z]

Hi all. These are the best I could come up with. I'm sorry. I'm old.

 

Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?

Because he ran out of juice

How do you make an artichoke?

You strangle it

What’s the strongest vegetable?

A muscle sprout

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?

A neck-tarine

[datsun79z]

Here we go again........

 

 

two atoms walk into a bar one of them says:

"damn - i think i've lost an electron!"

the other atom asks "are you sure?"

"yeah, I'm positive"

 

a neutron walks into a bar sits down, and asks for a beer.

finishing his drink, the neutron asks, "how much?".

the bartender replies, "for you, no charge."

 

Two boll-weevils grew up together in the cotton fields of Alabama. One of them went on to become a high-flying lawyer in New York. The other stayed behind in Alabama. The second was the lesser of two weevils.

[Chris240zTurbo]

OK, I'll play

 

 

Knock-knock...

[Nizm0Zed]

i'll bite...

 

who's there?

[Chris240zTurbo]

I eat mop

[Nizm0Zed]

and the fail award goes to....

[Nizm0Zed]

# At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

 

# A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

# The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

 

# If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

 

# Wife : You delivered an excellent speech.

Hubby : Thanks dear, but the audience was full of fools & idiots.

Wife : Is that why you addressed them as your brothers & sisters?

 

# My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

 

# Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

 

# According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.

 

# The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

# How do most men define marriage?

A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

 

# Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

 

# My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

 

# My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.

 

# My other wife is beautiful.

 

# When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

 

# When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws.

 

# Why bother with marriage?

Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

 

# Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

 

# Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

 

# You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

 

# All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

 

# In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!

 

# Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

 

# Marriage is a rest period between romances.

 

# Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

 

# Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

 

# Man and wife make one fool.

 

# Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

 

# Losing a wife can be hard.

In my case, it was almost impossible.

 

# Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.

 

# Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

 

# Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

 

# Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

 

# Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

 

# Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

 

# Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.

 

# The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

 

# Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

 

# When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

 

# Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

 

# Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

 

# My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

 

# My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

 

# My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.

 

# Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

 

# Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

 

# Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

 

# Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

 

# If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

 

# I am in total control, but don't tell my wife

 

# I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.

-- Dick Martin

 

# My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

 

# Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."

[BRAAP]

Just gave a 3 day suspension to someone who wasnt' paying attention!

 

Post #35 in this thread is NOT a joke!

Edited May 19, 2009 by BRAAP

[Chris240zTurbo]

and the fail award goes to....

 

 

Hey, my 10 year old daughter told me that knock knock joke! Apparently 4th graders think poop jokes are the pinnacle of comedy, sorry to disappoint...

[nullbound]

Something that goes around at my work on occasion:

 

After every flight, pilots for our company fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by our pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

 

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

 

P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit

 

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

 

P: DME volume unbelievably lo ud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

 

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

 

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

 

 

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

 

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

[datsun79z]

Moron Tab and Apple Choir

 

At a mental hospital the staff found some of the patients were gaining weight, so they were put on a diet of a glass of Tab and one apple for lunch. After eating their light lunch, the group would start to sing to everyone else. This became known as the “Moron Tab and Apple Choirâ€.

 

 

 

 

 

 

God's Son

A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test."

"OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde.

But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter.

The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy."

"Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter.

Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..."

 

 

The piano tuner

 

 

 

There was a piano tuner whose name was OpporKnockity. So this tuner, OpporKnockity tuned a piano for someone, but sadly, after the tuner had left, the customer realized that the tuner had not done a satisfactory job, and he called to have the tuner return. And the tuner's response was "No. OpporKnockity tunes only once."

Get it?