Tools and what they are used for..

[datsunlover]

I was fliping through an old performance book (local speed shop sends them out evry few months) and came acrosse something really funny.. It was a list of tools, and beside each one a little blurb on what they are used for, how they work, ect. Thing is, as silly as they are, I have to agree with most of them. Heres a few..

 

Hammer; Used for finding and destroying (with deadly accuracy) tiny little parts, ussually expensive ones.

 

adjustable wrench; the original tool designed to round off nuts/bolts and slip causing blood loss. Slowly being phased out...

 

Vice Grips; A great tool for rounding off nuts/bolts, much quicker that the old wrenches, allowes MUCH more force to be aplied before slipping, causing even greater blood and skin loss.

 

Flat/standard screwdriver; Not ussualy used to drive screws (as the name implies) but great for prying, hammering on, and stabbing things. Also known to draw blood..

 

Drill press; An amazing tool that when drilling a hole, will grab flat bar right out of your hand, spin it around (posibly hitting you several times) and fling it across the shop into oblivion..

 

I'm sure we can all think of many more..

[Guest ON3GO]

That One Tool - anothe name for a adjustable wrench, its gets its name from drunk guys that keep saying "get me that one tool, you know.. that one tool"... ive used that one tool many times.

 

mike

[Dan Juday]

ROTFL!!!

I love the drill press one. Sooo true.

 

Now don't start again with my pink handled do-all. That was years ago and I'd like to just forget the whole thing.

[dot]

Vice Grips; A great tool for rounding off nuts/bolts, much quicker that the old wrenches, allows MUCH more force to be applied before slipping, causing even greater blood and skin loss.

 

Guilty! Last summer. No blood loss. Could see my knuckle bone. Then it got infected… This tool has been replaced by the pipe wrench.

[datsunlover]

 

Now don't start again with my pink handled do-all....

 

Ah.. You know I have to ask.. um, what?

 

Oh Glen, you have to watch the pipe wrench's.. no really a big blood drawing tool so much as a 'blunt force trauma' inducing.. ussually when they slip, you get that nice crushed fingers thing.. ask me how I know..

[patzky1]

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

 

Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

 

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

 

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell

 

Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetelene torch.

 

Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

 

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

 

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

 

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

 

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

 

Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

 

Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

 

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

 

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

 

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

 

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

 

Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.

 

Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

 

Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.

 

Hehehehe.

 

These are not mine, but from Peter Egan of R&T.

 

Pat

[datsunlover]

Yup, quite a few of those are ont he list I read. I particularly like the engine hoist description.. you'd be suprised how strong the clutch slave line is..

[GrayZee]

 

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

Pat

 

Yep, been there, done that.. I got burnt twice that way. You know the exhaust manifold bolt on the rear side of a L28? The bolt broke off so I resorted to EZ outs.. Well I ended up taking the whole head off!

 

Same thing happened to my Vg30 (still haven't decided how to deal with that)

[Jsquared]

lol, Peter Egan's articles are great Which issue was that particular one in?

[auxilary]

Duct tape: A useful tool to fix almost any problem. Works much like the force, it has a light side, a dark side, and holds the universe together. If you can't fix it with ducttape, you haven't used enough ducttape. See also: JB WELD

 

WD40: If something isn't moving but should, use WD40. If opposite situation is required, see ducttape.