Brad-ManQ45 Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 Why was the blond college coed sleeping with a mexican? ------------------------------------------------------- Because her English professor told her she had to do an essay... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thumper Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 a.m., the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mike Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 This would have been even funnier had the "statue" been a neighbor named Jim Smith:mrgreen: EDIT: Umm.. you DID say the Smiths bought a statue, didn't you. Well ahm kinda' slow... but ahh finally got it... A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smiths bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 a.m., the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
savageskaterkid Posted September 28, 2006 Share Posted September 28, 2006 There was a line to get into heaven and it was a very long line. St. Peter talks to the first person and says "alright, heaven is getting kinda full, so only the people with the worst deaths can get in", the man says OK and tells his story. "I have been thinking that my wife was cheating on me for months, so I decided to get off work early that day and catch her in the act. I went up to the 25th floor of the apartment complex and into my room. I looked everywhere, my wife was sound asleep in her room. Just then I went out on my porch, and there HE WAS, hanging from the railing. I tryed to knock him off, but to no avail. So I got a hammer from inside. A few hits on his hands and he finnally fell, but landed in a bush. So I dropped a small refridgerator on him. Just then I had a heart attack and died" St. Peter-"WOW, that is a pretty horrible death, I guess I can let you in" The next guy then walks up and St. Peter explains "alright, heaven is getting kinda full, so only the people with the worst deaths can get in", the man says OK and tells his story. "It started off as any regular day, I went and did my excersizes on my deck, which happens to be on the 26th floor of an apartment building. I was stretching against the railing and just then the railing broke and I went over it, luckily I caught the railing of the floor below me. As I was trying to pull my self up, this maniac starts hitting me, then gets a hammer and knocks me off. I hit pretty hard, but a bush broke the fall, I couldn't move and barely breating, I looked up and saw a fridge, and it fell on top of me. And here I am. St. Peter-"WOW, that is a pretty horrible death, I guess I can let you in" The next guy then walks up and St. Peter explains "alright, heaven is getting kinda full, so only the people with the worst deaths can get in", the man says OK and tells his story. Well, picture this, I was naked inside a refridgerator......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbk240z Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 the guy that was building a twin-turbo Monte? Lil' Doc says, does the firing order start 1.3.4.2..... or 1.8.4.3............ Dang it! What car am I working on? The Mitsu or the Monte? Oh, it must be the MSD box............. Doc, please exscuse my poor attempt at being funny, just joking! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mike Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 Hah, hah:mrgreen: But hey, "firing" order is serious business... especially if I'm next:shock: the guy that was building a twin-turbo Monte?Lil' Doc says, does the firing order start 1.3.4.2..... or 1.8.4.3............ Dang it! What car am I working on? The Mitsu or the Monte? Oh, it must be the MSD box............. Doc, please exscuse my poor attempt at being funny, just joking! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_hunt Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 :lmao: Nope already checked that before I fired it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mike Posted September 29, 2006 Share Posted September 29, 2006 Doh!!! Somebody just got "plugged"... :lmao: Nope already checked that before I fired it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denny411 Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 Q,What do you get when you cross the Pilsbury Dough Boy with Raggety Ann? A, An UGLY red head with a yeast infection. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_hunt Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 A horse and chicken were best pals at the farm, one day while playing the horse fell into a mud pit and was sinking. He whinnied at the chicken and told him to go get the farmer and the tractor to pull him out. The chicken went to the farm house but the farmer had taken the tractor and wagon to town, but there was a harley in the barn so he hopped on that and got a rope and rode to the mud pit. The chicken threw the rope to the horse, who got it in his mouth, and the chicken tied the other end to the harley and pulled the horse out. After that they were best of best buds, pals, etc. Then one day the chicken fell into the same pit. He chuckled to the horse to pull him out the horse just let his manhood down and told the chicken to grab on, and he pulled the chicken out. The moral of the story is, yes there is a moral. That when your hung like a horse you don't need a harley to pick up chicks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twoeightnine Posted September 30, 2006 Share Posted September 30, 2006 Sugar and spice and everything nice my ass. There once was a fair young maiden....this is her story.... One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I Would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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