cygnusx1 Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 AIRLINE LAUGHS After every flight, Qantas Australia pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. >> > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. >> > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. >> > >> > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. >> > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. >> > >> > P: Something loose in cockpit. >> > S: Something tightened in cockpit. >> > >> > P: Dead bugs on windshield. >> > S: Live bugs on back-order. >> > >> > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet >> > per minute descent. >> > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. >> > >> > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. >> > S: Evidence removed. >> > >> > P: DME volume unbelievably loud. >> > S: DME volume set to more believable level. >> > >> > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. >> > S: That's what friction locks are for. >> > >> > P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. >> > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. >> > >> > P: Suspected crack in windshield. >> > S: Suspect you're right. >> > >> > P: Number 3 engine missing. >> > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. >> > >> > P: Aircraft handles funny. >> > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be >> > serious. >> > >> > P: Target radar hums. >> > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. >> > >> > P: Mouse in cockpit. >> > S: Cat installed. >> > >> > And the best one for last.................. >> > >> > P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds >> > like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. >> > S: Took hammer away from midget. ROFL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Some-Guy Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 hahaha friggen midgets! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrandonsZ Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 hahaha friggen midgets! My question is, how did he get the hammer on the flight with today's strict carryon policies? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boobala Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Funny, but... Commercial Airliners dont have IFF systems. They have "Transponders." IFF is for military aircraft. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zhadman Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Funny' date=' but... Commercial Airliners dont have IFF systems. They have "Transponders." IFF is for military aircraft.[/quote'] I think the joke has a military background. The first time I heard it they were supposedly taken from Air Force Form 781's (basically maintenance forms). I remember the IFF one like this: "I-F-F does not work in O-F-F position." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zhadman Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 From Vet Friends dot com: Maintenance Write-Ups AF Form 781 is aboard all Air Force aircraft to record any malfunctions so maintenance personnel can fix the problem before the next flight. Here are some of the problems (P) as posted by the aircrews and solutions (S) of the maintenance personnel to clear the write-up: (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire. (P) Test flight OK, but autoland very rough. (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft. (P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) #2 propeller seepage normal, other three propeller lack normal seepage. (P) Something loose in the cockpit. (S) Something tightened in the cockpit. (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed. (P) Distance Measuring Equipment (DME) volume unbelieveably loud. (S) Volume set to more believeable level. (P) Autopilot in "altitude hold" mode produces 200 fpm decent. (S) Could not duplicate on the ground. (P) Dead bugs on windscreen (S) Live bugs on order. (P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. (P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick. (S) That's what its there for. (P) #3 engine missing. (S) #3 engine found on right wing after brief search. (P) Aircraft handles funny. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. (P) Target radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed target radar to sing. Personal Story: One night, with maintenance problems still unsolved and a late takeoff eminent, I got a little pushy with a young maintainer. With a grin, his response was, "Sir, machinery just doesn't respond to intense hatred." Richard D. Fagley, LtCol(Ret), USAF and: Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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