scottyMIz Posted February 16, 2003 Share Posted February 16, 2003 ok guys i seem to be on the wrong side of mine lately and it seems like things aren't going to be good .Here is the deal we go out to be with our friends and i personally don't dance i don't like humiliating my self.So she does and so does my friend.I tell them to go dance and have fun while me and my friend's girl sit and hold our spot cuz the bar is packed.Well we are sitting on the other side of the bar and the dance floor is on the opposite side.So we sit and wait not hearing or seeing them for like 1 1/2 to 2 hours so i get kinda worried cuz there are alot of drunk horney guys there.Then i'm stuck all by myself when my friend's girl gets up and goes to find her man(my friend).So after she is gone for about 30 min i really start to worry cuz i can't get up cuz people will steal our seats and then i'd have to have to grab everyone's coats keep in mind that in MI it is super cold so everyone's coat is the size of a house . Well finally my friend's lady comes back and i'm hot cuz i have been sitting worrying about my lady for 2 hrs.I get up and find her on the dance floor dancing away and i grab her and pull her off the floor so we can talk cuz it's so loud.I tell her i'm leaving cuz i'm sick of waiting and it was 1:00 in the morning.She kept asking why and i tell her i'm sick of being alone.So to make a long arguement short i almost got into a fight with a guy that was super drunk trying to mack on my lady while we where argueing.For those who know me i'm not very big or aggressive, so we leave and she blames it all on me on the ride home saying she wants to end the relationship! I did get mad but at least she could have came back to the table to say hey i'm ok and i'm going back out to dance.Guys am i the one at fault here or is she?I need some other people's input i wanna know if i was wrong.I try to meet her half way but it seems not to work i do all the bending she does all the taking.Right now we are kinda working things out but she still blames me and is still not metting me half way.Let me know guys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
auxilary Posted February 16, 2003 Share Posted February 16, 2003 2 approaches: 1. instead of being worried that you can't dance well, just tell her "hey, why don't you teach me?" 2. if she can't understand your concerns and wants to end a relationship because you made her leave a bar, that's not a woman you should be with. That's a very petty excuse, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim240z Posted February 16, 2003 Share Posted February 16, 2003 I'm with Aux on this one. If she IS that inconsiderate and is willing to break it off so easily, I would bet that she is just waiting for an excuse. Kick her to the side and move on. Trust me, I've been through a very similar situation, but was totally kitty (insert correct term) whipped and begged her to not break it off. It never worked out. I will never let a woman put me in that situation again....even my wife....and she knows it! Seems like a lack of personal respect. Talk to her again when you are both calm and SOBER, and see what happens. My 2c.....but I'm better with engines!!! Tim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BLKMGK Posted February 16, 2003 Share Posted February 16, 2003 It's possible she was having so much fun that the time flew by. I can't dance well either but screw what other people think - I'll dance after a beer or two <shrug> If she really likes to dance dance with her some. Maybe try to find seats closer to the dance floor too. She overreacted but you did too. Certainly you were worried but did you think maybe she was just having so much fun time got away? I'd agree that spending a ton of time in bars sux. It's smokey and nasty IMO but it can be fun occasionally. If this is her only idea of a good time I'd be reevaluating too. Is this the only thing you guys argue over? Wanting to end the relationship is what I call going for the nukes. If you're going to argue with a person and you're in a relationship you had better be well and pissed before looking to push that button. Is she really so unhappy that it's not that big a deal for her that she's willing to do that so easily? Does she threaten that often? If so again maybe it's time to have a serious talk. Heh, yeah I feel old now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToplessZ Posted February 16, 2003 Share Posted February 16, 2003 well guys Ive moved outta the bar scene since Ive decided to change my life and follow Christ. However Ive been there, I've done the clubs and I cant really dance for crap but if you go with a girl thats what she's gonna expect ya to be doin. I think it would be a fitting time for you to learn friend or no friend I dont think its proper for your girl to be dancing all night with someone elses man. It looks bad and I think it makes for bad vibes that no one realizes. Well Im not an expert but sometimes you gotta get outta your comfort zone and exert a little confidence. Im so glad I dont have to stress over this subject anymore there are better options for your life. If it falls apart over something like this.....Keep Lookin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottyMIz Posted February 17, 2003 Author Share Posted February 17, 2003 i appreciate the replies we have been together for 4 years and usually we argue about money(just like everyone else).But i'm not much for bars and lots of people in them.My mom was a bar tender so i spent alot of time during the day there playing pool and video games.So now i'm burnt out of the bar scene.I can't get any courage to go up and dance i know it's easy form some people but not for me.I'm very shy when it comes to stuff like that i'd rather race at the track than goto bars she is always the one to suggest we break it off.See her mom took care of her all her life in that i mean that her mom did everything for her she never cleaned up after her self even after dinner cuz her mom is a stay at home mom so she expects me to do it now.I try to talk to her and i care for her more than anything i'm always the one to say no i don't want to end it but it's hard staying with someone so single minded.There is alot in this whole life of mine that none of you should ahve to listen to so i'll keep it off here.I just wanted to know if i'm that unreasonable?She just doesn't understand that i use to be at bars alot and i don't like to be there with alot of people there.I don't mind that my girl and my friend dance together and we would ahve moved closer but the whole bar afetr we got there got packed like standing room only so it was basically impossible to move.I am a very mello person so i take it and take it until i explode it's not the right way to do it but more times than not it works out for the better.Thanks again guys i feel better now that i have vented and that you guys can kinda see my point and i do know i over reacted by leaving but i was fed up with all the drunks.I apologized to my friend and his lady for the way i acted and they understood which was good.The thing i guess that bothered me was that she was having so much fun she forgot about me and it scared me.Thanks for listening Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToplessZ Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 Hey man we are totally with you. After hearing that I can understand even more. Im more than confident in saying that you dont have to worry about spilling your guts to us here on the board. I like to listen even if I dont have advice. We really do look out for each other here and no we dont have your girls # to go rat you out. Keep that head up if things dont work out there is somone better out there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottyMIz Posted February 17, 2003 Author Share Posted February 17, 2003 i'm glad you guys understand, we are getting along a bit better, after talking to some other people mostly family they agree with me so it helps too.But it's also good to get another person's opinion that isn't family.I just like to try to see it from both sides to see every angle. But on to better things my z will be done for this year very soon yosuke is sending me some pistons and my bearings for my turbo should be here this week.I'm selling alot of stuff i don't use to make money for my z and get it done.i think from now on i'll be in good shape just as long as she learns from this as i have.I can only hope Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mudge Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 If you dont enjoy doing the same things as she does, its going to make things tough, that is not something I'm saying to bug you, that is just a fact. If you really like someone, then both of you will have to be flexible and "let it all hang out", get over yourself so to speak. I'm not really into that stuff either, but again you have to be flexible, if you feel its worth it. Almost EVERY woman likes to dance. I'm certainly no expert on women, but at almost 27 I've been through a little bit of experience. Not wanting to dance or etc, is kind of like "well I only want to see you 40% of the time, the other nights you can go out and be with other guys who also enjoy doing the same things you do." Even though my gal likes to dance, I was lucky enough to find someone who is fairly quiet and into alot of the same things I am, which are things mostly outside of the bar scene and the social atmosphere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikelly Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 Couple of things... I think your relationship is toast. She likes dancing, you don't. You argue over money, She wasn't considerate enough to come check on you and let you know she was OK, every 15-30 minutes... I suspect the list goes on. You shouldn't have picked a fight with the drunk. You guys are in a BAR where DRUNKS will hit on anything moving... WRONG ANSWER. I'm sure there are two sides to the story, but from what I've read in your posts, there seem to be some more fundamental issues that you two won't be able to work out. Sounds like you want to settle down and NOT go to places where singles hang out and SHE wants to go to those places where singles go... Respect for each other is probably waining right now as well... I had a girlfriend once for 6 months, Right after I got back from Bosnia. There was an 8 year difference in our ages... I was 30 and she was 22 with a body like Shania Twain's and the hair and face to match. She had a little girl that was 6 months old when we meet and I was crazy about both of them. However, Kim wanted to party way to much and I was past that phase in my life. She drank too much and then had the bad habbit of getting behind the wheel and driving home... Real dumb and average 22 year old behavior, unfortunately. I liked dancing, but not every weekend and during the week... Some time later I found out (Long after we broke up) that she was going to these clubs and teasing some of her old boy friends, and putting herself in situations that would cause the bouncers to have to break up fights... She loved the attention her body and looks drew from the guys, and it would end up causing problems, because she played on it... I called it quits. Your girlfriend told you she wanted to break up... Give her the space, and go get your head screwed on straight... Four years is a long time, and it will take a while to get over her. But you should move on and try to find someone who will be more compatible with your lifestyle and direction. My $.02 Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottyMIz Posted February 17, 2003 Author Share Posted February 17, 2003 I didn't pick the fight he did i was just trying to get my girl.That is exactly why i do not like bars i hate the way drunk people act but i figured i'd do something she liked and goto one for her.I'm 25 and have had my share of relationships and none have been like this one she's great when she isn't complaining, seems like anything i do never satisfies her.She has to always push the envelope to see how far i'll go when i'm trying to make her happy.It's easy for everyone to say just go dance no big deal but unless your in my situation then you can't say that.It's easy for me to say go climb a 400 foot tower and work on an antenna on top only trusting the belt you have it's easy cuz i have done it but to someon who is scared of heights they wouldn't even want to walk up to the tower.For those of you who don't know i'm a radio tech so climbing towers is a cake walk for me. Mudge i do try to be flexable but she doesn't seem to try and when i try to explain it from my point of view she doesn't even see where i'm coming from and i try all the time to see it how she does to understand more.Perhaps you guys are right and i need to just leave and give her space(we live together).My mom said i can stay with her as long as i like even tho i don't like going back to my parents.But since we decided to get a house i sold my house and moved in to hers so i have no house now.It's hard to just say screw it and leave especially after 4 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikelly Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 Scotty, There are several of us on this board who have lived the EXACT relationship you are describing... Life is too short dude. If you find yourself always saying I'm sorry for things you aren't at fault for, or getting reeled into fights just for the sake of argument, then trust me... RUN! I'm 36, and have about 11 years more experience... You say you've been with this girl for 4 years, and you are 25... Trust me, You haven't lived yet. You've been an adult for 7 years. Four of that have been with someone who pushes your buttons... The last girl I dated seriously before I met my wife was that exact person. She would bring out an argument in me in no time... When things were good they were great, not just good... But getting through all the "I'm Sorry's" just so she would ease up... It wasn't worth it. Having been in a VERY healthy, and rewarding relationship for 4 years now, I can't stress enough the importance in finding the "RIGHT" Mate. Hanging on to someone for the sake of the time invested isn't the answer... My current wife (And I've only been married once in my life) and I haven't had ONE single argument in four years. That my friend is heaven. These are bitter pills to swallow Scottie, but I waisted 3 years of my life in a relationship that I should have left at the door... I look back now and wish someone would have told me what I just told you... Take care. Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denny411 Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 I`ve been there and done that too. I wasted a year and a half, and about 20 grand on a chick that was only concerned about herself and what was in it for her. Like others have said, I was too"whipped". I did finally get out, and it was on my terms. There is nothing more redeaming than being the one that ends it. You just have to be objective enough to know where to draw the line. If you don`t have a common ground and mutual respect, as well as similiar intrests, your relationship is doomed. That`s not to say you wouldn`t be able to stay together forever, BUT forever is a LLLOOooonngg time when your not happy. I would suggest cutting your losses and looking for someone that has more respect for you, as well as common intrest or hobbies. My .02 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sumo Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 Im kinda with Mikelly on this one. I know it may see harsh but just DUMP HER ASS! Sorry to sound crude but you said it yourself," she is great"........."when she does'nt complain." So how often does she complain? Relationships are a two way street, it sounds like her side is under construction. It sounds like your more in love with her than she is with you. Your reasons for sticking with her seems to be time invested and "where am i going to live", do you really wanna suffer like that? Since your living at her house she can always dump you first since she thinks she has the upper hand. I know this may sound like a crude or even rude reply, but i'm hoping its just another angle on your situation. But think about it, if she's having that much fun with someone else with you in the same room, think of how much more fun she'll have without you in the room. I hope you make the right decision. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Tim78zt Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 Scotty, here is a tip from an even older (48yrs!!) more experienced person...you will never be able to "make" someone else happy. Only you can make you happy. I think you know where to take it from here. Tim78zt Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottyMIz Posted February 17, 2003 Author Share Posted February 17, 2003 i give up guys i have posted two replies and both times i have screwed it all up so i'm gonna quit while i'm ahead. But i do thank you guys for the new angle and hope i didn't sound snotty in my last post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mudge Posted February 17, 2003 Share Posted February 17, 2003 From everything you say, you are two totally different people. I've had this situation once, totally hot chick who was a couple years younger, she was nice, but we were just two different people altogether. You say its 4 years now, but are you going to stick around so you can kick yourself in the ass for the rest of your life? 4 years is "nothing" in the grand scheme of things, and while it will suck to lose some COMPANY for awhile, it doesn't sound like a relationship that really seems all that well matched up. I'm sure it would suck for awhile, but again, why be with someone who you dont get along with on a permanent basis instead of just letting go NOW. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikelly Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 More importantly, and this is one thing I regret in my own relationships, Don't waste your life away trying to make someone else happy. The key, the real answer to successfull relationships is each person loving the other equally as much, and wanting to be with each other equally... Mutual respect, and the strongest of admiration for the one you love (And the one that loves you!) is the key... If one person in the relationship wants to toss in the towel, what does it say for that balance and mutual respect? Life is so short, and 70 years (Or 90 if you are lucky?) isn't long... I look at life as half lived, since I'm 36 and sometimes wonder how I will live the 2nd half. I do know this... I burned up way too much time on people best left to someone else's time... I know life plays out for a reason. That we all find our eventual mates for reason's unknown, or unforeseen. However, having loved as I have for the last few years, knowing what I was missing... Now that is tragic... Thank god I found it when I did. Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavyZ Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 ...she's great when she isn't complaining, seems like anything i do never satisfies her...She has to always push the envelope to see how far i'll go when i'm trying to make her happy...she doesn't seem to try and when i try to explain it from my point of view she doesn't even see where i'm coming from... Just listening to what you are saying...this whole thing is about "CONTROL," and she has you by the balls. She has some deep need inside her to be in control of the whole shebang and manipulate you for her own sick pleasure. Ask youself, "Am I a glutton for punishment? Is this really worth it?" Man, just listing all of this makes me think that she is a self-interested, controlling person. Sounds like you are trying WAAAAAYYY too hard to make this 'work.' You will be miserable unless she matures....it's probably NOT going to happen soon, but maybe over 10 years... I have been in this sick type of relationship, and finally SHE was the one that broke it up, but not before trying to seduce my best friend, etc, etc to make me mad and control me, etc. I have to tell you that if you have to work this hard to make a relationship work out, you are with the wrong woman. Get someone with real heart, depth of character, and some values, otherwise you will be miserable my friend. That's why I married my wife---11 years going STRONG! My $.02 Davy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RPMS Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 I was partnered for five years to a guy who had me by my emotional short hairs. I know you're not gay Scotty, but the tactics our partners used was just the same. The relationship wasn't great, but I thought staying with him was better than being alone, so I stuck it out. Every 6-8 months or so, he would bitch and moan and pick a fight, then say that we should just end the relationship. He would try to break us up, and I would be the sensible one and patch things up. I always felt we were on the teetering edge of breaking up, and it caused a lot of stress. As it turns out, he was just trying to get me to display my commitment to him. The last time, when he suggested we end things and I said, "Well, okay," he completely broke down. Sobbing, pleading, begging to try "one more time". Man, was that ugly! But by that point I realized that his behavior wasn't going to change at any point in the near future, and he and I were basically incompatible so I called it quits and found someone who treats me RIGHT. Trust me, life's much better now that I know I'm with someone who is committed to our relationship. The long and short of what I'm telling you, Scotty, is this. Don't let yourself be her emotional punching bag. If she threatens to call it off, then call her bluff. If she's serious, then she (and you) wouldn't ever have be happy in y'alls relationship anyway, and you both need to find new, more compatible partners. If she's bluffing, she'll come back to you with tears in her eyes and reconciliation in her heart. At that point it's up to you - you either take her back with the understanding that she will never threaten separation again, or you tell her that you need to go your separate ways. Whatever you do, make a decision and stick to it. Any waffling in your position will put her back in a position of power that she is apparently not responsible enough to handle. My unasked for opinion? If you can't be the forceful Daddy that she needs and take command of the relationship, find someone else to be with who isn't into emotional blackmail and who will treat you like a valuable human being. Ignoring you for two hours while she dances the night away is nothing short of inconsiderate, and you need someone who is considerate of your feelings! If she doesn't know you well enough after four years that she'll know you don't like to be left alone like that, then she either isn't paying attention or she enjoys ticking you off, neither of which you deserve! I think you might want to consider finding someone who this kind of stuff (especially the threats to leave you) doesn't happen with. Just my .02, take 'em for what they're worth, friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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