Tool Use Definitions

[Twoeightnine]

Since we all use alot of tools, I thought that I would share this very important Tool Use Definition Guide. Tell me it isn't true!! Wait untill you get to the bottom, Im still looking for mine!

Feel free to bring up some of your own....

 

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that

freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under

the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and

hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you

to say, "Oh sh--...."

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of

blood-

blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt

heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction

of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside

the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or  ½

socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle

firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward

off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel debris.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known

drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any

possible future use.

 

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most

shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called

a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"

which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits

aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the

same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the

first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,

its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids

and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on

your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning

power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that

travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty

bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford,

and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug

nuts.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is

used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts

adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to

make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well

on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,

collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most

often, the next tool that you will need.

[datsunlover]

I have a whole BOX full of 'dammit' tools...

[Guest Mike]

"DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most

often, the next tool that you will need."

 

 

 

... and don't forget that it probably broke when it hit the wall.

[grumpyvette]

you forgot

 

well written instuctions

 

used to wipe up spilled solvents, or for cleaning oil soaked arms/& hands, only then, do you try to read them ,only after realizing the parts you just purchased won,t go together the way you expected

 

plastic ramps

you place one in front of each wheel then jump into the car and accellerate a few feet, one ramp skids away, the other stays exactly where its design untill the car goes up and over dropping off the front edge, wedging itself between your frame and oil pan, breaking off oil filter,thus making it nearly impossiable to use a floor jack to remove it due to clearance issues

 

micrometer

 

small easily broken C-clamp for drill press

 

 

welders goggles

placed on forehead to increase the sweat running into your eyes, pulled down over eyes only after everything in the shop has a brigth blue white hallo image from flashing your eyes with arc welder, pulled up again to increase sweat while trying to see object to be welded, repeated frequently

 

oil drain pan

device designed to prove beyond any doubt that the average mechanic is clueless about where oil will run if a oil pan drain plug or filter is removed, generally about 1/4" taller than space under car and 1/8" smaller in dia.than the tangent arc the draining oil stream makes in its path to the floor

[eec564]

TORQUE WRENCH: A tool used to snap heads off bolts, because it's always set to foot-pounds instead of inch-pounds.

 

DIGITAL MULTI METER: A device used to blow fuses and/or explode in your hand because when checking for 12 volts, you left it set to read amps.

 

 

Also...Have you ever read or used a Haynes Manual? If so, here's a handy

Translation sheet...

 

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

 

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

 

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

 

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

 

Haynes: Pry...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

 

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

 

Haynes: Retain small spring...

Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

 

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.

 

Haynes: Lightly...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

 

Haynes: Weekly checks...

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

 

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

 

Haynes: One spanner rating.

Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

 

Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

 

Haynes: Three spanner rating.

Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

 

Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

 

Haynes: Five spanner rating.

Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

 

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

 

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

 

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

 

Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

 

Haynes: Retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

 

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

 

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.

Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

 

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: But you swear in different places.

 

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

 

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...

Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

 

Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: Ensure you have an AAA Card & Mobile Phone

 

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.

 

Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want To do!

 

For Added Haynes Fun:

Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement???!!?

 

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine will never look like that..."

[240zV8]

I finally learned that about welding gloves. They protect your hands until there so hot you don't even know it until your hand is almost smoking.

[auxilary]

C-CLAMP - A unique tool used to completely slip off whatever it is holding under any sort of stress, causing last 30 minutes of work to wind up strewn about the garage

 

HARBOR FREIGHT - a wonderful tool store carrying almost anything and everything you might need at extremely low prices. However, getting a tool you purchased last more than 30 minutes is the challenge.

 

DUCT TAPE - A universal multi-use tool found in almost every mechanic's garage. Capable of repairing everything and anything. If you can't fix it with duct tape, you didn't use enough duct tape

JB WELD - see duct tape.

 

BENCH VICE - a device used to put crosshatch pattern into wood, aluminum, brass, and any round piping inserted and clamped

 

ENGINE STAND - simple tool used to hold the engine in mid air outside of the vehicle. Extremely useful in rotating the motor and expelling liquids you thought you had previously drained all over the garage floor, your project car, and yourself.

 

ANGLE GRINDER - motorized tool used to perform almost any task involving cutting and grinding metal. Extremely efficient at filling your lungs with metal shavings and testing out integrity of your work gloves when you touch the metal you just cut.

 

JACK STAND: a propping device used solely to get in your way of suspension work, engine hoist, and to bang your head on underneath the car

[MusPuppis]

Heres a few I came up with, Ill try to think of more.

 

Swivel Socket - Tool used to instill a false sense of hope that you CAN get to that bolt without taking 438 things out of the way.

 

Repair Manual - Used to help figure out how to remove the 434 things in the way of the bolt the swivel socket couldnt get to. 4 of the original 438 were broken while trying to 'bend' them out of the way a little, just a little.

 

Cell Phone - Interesting tool used to contact competent individuals who can actualy tell you what the hell your doing. Also oddly attracted to liquids of all forms, known to leap from pockets into drain pans, cups of coffee, parts washers and similar devices.

 

Welder - Used by skilled craftsmen to join similar metals together for a wide range of reasons, used by the rest of us to remind us we are not skilled crasftment. Also used to set ones self on fire and remind us not only are we not skilled craftsmen, but we're stupid to.

 

Mulitmeter - Used to frustrate and confuse.

 

Plasma Cutter - See prev. post about quiji board principle.

 

Hole Saw - Used to grip metal at high RPM and cause serious damage to wrists and hands.

 

10mm, 12mm, 1/2 and 3/8's sockets - Usually heard in the sentence "DAMNIT (see 'damnit tool' above) I just had the FRIGGEN 1/2, WHERE THE HELL COULD IT HAVE GONE"

 

'Shallow' Sockets - Used to almost get to the bolt/nut.

 

Deep Well Sockets - Used to get REALLLYY close to the bolt/nut.

 

Extensions (various sizes) - Used to finally get to the bolt nut, but not leave enough room between the firewall and end of the ratchet to get the bolt past those LAST THREE THREADS.

 

3 ft. extension - Often held in the hand of random idiots that pass through your garage while they 'hee-yuk' like a donkey and compare the length of the extension with that of their penis, or for the less imaginative simply provoke the exclamation "Thats a big-ass extension, day-um!"

 

The phrase "git r done" - Used to make me hate you.

 

Spark Plug Gapper - Often used to screw up the platimum tip on plugs you arent supposed to gap but were too stupid to check before-hand.

 

Anti-Freeze Tester - Used to invoke the phrase "What the hell is this?"

 

5th of whiskey - Used to make me think I'm a better mechanic than I really am and care less when I prove myself wrong.

[Twoeightnine]

"Anti-Freeze Tester - Used to invoke the phrase "What the hell is this?"

 

Zackly! I always drained a gallon of water out, and dumped a gallon of anti-freez in!

What the hell is this turkey basting looking thing with the little balls in it for!!

 

Good replies gents!

[savageskaterkid]

"DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage

while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most

often, the next tool that you will need."

 

 

 

... and don't forget that it probably broke when it hit the wall.

 

 

THIS IS VERY TRUE

[Ledphoot]

Crowbar- A sure sign that the repair is going to become somewhat more involved than stated in text. * see also, prybar, big ole' screwdriver.

 

B*M*F*H- Device used to persuade and or demolish parts to fit securely or become dislodged, usually parts other than those needing adjustment... *can cause similar results as aforementioned 'Crowbar'

[MrFancypants]

PB Blaster - A sweet smelling lifesaver that for some reason tends to shoot in random directions when you forget which direction the nozzle is pointing before you press it.

 

Propane torch - A useful tool, especially in conjunction with PB blaster (see above) that is really good at heating objects up to the point where they later burn you.

 

Magnetic pick-up tool - A device so ingenious in concept that for some reason sticks to everything except the object you are trying to pick up.

 

Tool chest - A fantastic way to organize tools that you somehow manage to keep disorganized.

 

Garage Floor - The place for all the tools that should be organized in your tool chest.

 

Shop Vac - That thing that just sucked up that other thing you lost earlier.

 

 

 

 

- Greg -