auxilary Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 Haynes: Rotate counter-clockwise. Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer counter-clockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry off Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a can of WD40 (giant economy size). Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the socket part (and maybe a piece of glass or two). Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned. Haynes: One Difficulty rating. Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up? Haynes: Two Difficulty rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three Difficulty rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days. Haynes: Four Difficulty rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? Haynes: Five Difficulty rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some vice-grips and a hammer... Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are Looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a pin punch... Translation: Clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: AAA Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with vice-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim240z Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 ROTFLMAO Tim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavyZ Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 AAAAAAAhahahahahahaaaaahaaa! True true! I nearly busted a gut laughing from that. Thanks! Davy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgia Flash Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 Very funny stuff, had me laughing after working 12 hours and driving another 45 minutes to my house, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZR8ED Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 ROFL!!! SOOOOO true! Now send this to all the newbies who think you can install a 400hp v8 or l28 turbo etc etc.. into a z for $1200.00 because "its practially bolt on" Bwahahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jwink25 Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 LMAO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Aaron Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 ROTFLMAO Tim 'nuff said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Shasteen Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 Nice translations: to to funny. I found myself reliving emotions that were suppressed from past repairs (denial is not a pretty thing-oh the horror!). What I hate about the Haynes (any other incomplete manual) is when they make a reference to a component in their diagnostic sections...yet the component being referenced isnt defined anywhere in said manual Blasted Cursed Manuals I've discovered that retribution may be found by throwing the incomplete manual up in the air & shooting it w/a shotgun Kevin, (Yea,Still an Inliner) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim240z Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 I've discovered that retribution may be found by throwing the incomplete manual up in the air & shooting it w/a shotgun Kevin' date=' (Yea,Still an Inliner)[/quote'] Rrready...PULL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tickwon Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 Man, that was good...I needed that after a bad day at work. I laughed so hard. Chris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CruxGNZ Posted April 11, 2003 Share Posted April 11, 2003 I've discovered that retribution may be found by throwing the incomplete manual up in the air & shooting it w/a shotgun Kevin' date=' (Yea,Still an Inliner)[/quote'] Rrready...PULL! I can totaly picture this! lol !M! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoeinCA Posted April 12, 2003 Share Posted April 12, 2003 I burned my last haynes manual.... Watching those useless pages curl in the flames was a nearly religious experience. stick to the full service manual... or wing it and hope to god you have a good memory. heh... "may require gentle tapping" Translation: try tapping said part gently, then proceed to beat the hell out of it until said part is barely recognizable, then try a sledgehammer... once the handle on sledgehammer is broken, switch to a sawzall and torch. 6 hours after gentle tapping has commenced, consider buying a new car. (that's what i went through trying to remove a spindle pin...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
383 240z Posted April 12, 2003 Share Posted April 12, 2003 That has got to be one of the funniest things I've read in a very long time!! I loved it Keith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
383 240z Posted April 12, 2003 Share Posted April 12, 2003 That has got to be one of the funniest things I've read in a very long time!! I loved it Keith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mudge Posted April 12, 2003 Share Posted April 12, 2003 I had heard that the Haynes was better than the Chiltons manual, I wonder if the people that said that ever saw a Haynes... In my experience to date, my Haynes for the 240 is not like my Chiltons are for my other cars that I've had before, who knows. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
383 240z Posted April 13, 2003 Share Posted April 13, 2003 Here is another one to add to it Haynes: A puller is not required. Translation: Try to pull the part off (hahahaha). Use a half a can of WD-40 and bang on it with a hammer. When that doesn't work, bang on it with a bigger hammer. When that doesn't work, go into town and buy a puller. Keith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest greimann Posted April 13, 2003 Share Posted April 13, 2003 When Vicegrip-hammer is unavailable, try Screwdriver-hammer: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VRJoe Posted April 13, 2003 Share Posted April 13, 2003 Now that I can see again after laughing to hard, Thanks I needed that, or ROTFL :D Vice grips, so that's the seceret and all the time I thought channel locks were OK.......... - Joe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest silverbullet Posted April 13, 2003 Share Posted April 13, 2003 I had heard that the Haynes was better than the Chiltons manual I have heard similar things and I can't figure what people are talking about, I HATE Haynes manuals (the shotgun destruction method sounds good). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denny411 Posted April 13, 2003 Share Posted April 13, 2003 For the smaller manuals I always prefered Clymer. They "used to" offer more details. When i get stumped I go to the library at Northwestern College in Lima Oh. They have a full set of Mitchell service and diagnostic manuals, with vacume and wiring diagrams and nearly everything else for every car made in the last 45yrs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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