Joke of the Day 1/3/08

[JSM]

Kiwi (that's a guy from New Zealand, where there are 2-3 times as many sheep as people) walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

 

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

 

His girlfriend is lying in bed and says: "You idiot, that's a sheep under your arm."

 

The man replies:

"I wasn't talking to you."

[gokiburix]

hahahaha

[qwik240z]

That is a good one.

 

Here is another:

 

The Love Dress

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her

daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

 

'What are you doing?' she asked.

 

'I'm waiting for Bill to come home from work,' the daughter-in-law answered.

 

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

 

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

 

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

 

'Bill loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.'

 

The mother-in-law left.

 

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

 

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

 

'What are you doing?' he asked.

 

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

 

'It needs ironing,' he said. 'What's for dinner?

[CArFAn]

My Girlfriend's Sister

 

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

 

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

I was in total shock and could not say a word.

 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

 

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

 

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

 

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

 

The moral of this story is.....

 

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Thumper]

My Girlfriend's Sister

 

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

 

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

 

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

 

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

 

I was in total shock and could not say a word.

 

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

 

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

 

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door, stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

 

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me and said, "We are very happy you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

 

The moral of this story is.....

 

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

 

LOL That was a good one.

[Pop N Wood]

I have been feeling rather down since the holidays, so I decided to call the suicide hotline.

 

I got connected to an outsource center in Pakistan.

 

I told the guy I was feeling suicidal.

 

He got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

[CantZme]

heres a funny one, sorry guys, it's not vulgar:nono:

 

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

 

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

 

 

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.

 

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They can forget it. They are not getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

 

 

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced!

 

Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow.

 

Until then, don't do a thing! DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

 

 

 

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

[jimbob_racing]

I have been feeling rather down since the holidays, so I decided to call the suicide hotline.

 

I got connected to an outsource center in Pakistan.

 

I told the guy I was feeling suicidal.

 

He got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

 

Ha ha ha ha! awesome!

[Challenger]

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton

insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he

found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most

women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter

from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months, your

husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We

cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from

the store. Our complaints against Mr.. Fenton are listed below and

are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly

put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to

go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor

leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in

an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it

right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to

put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign

to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping

department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they

would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could

help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people

just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera

and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting

department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously

while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced

his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when

people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the

loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S

THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the

door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey!

There's no toilet paper in here!"

 

Regards,

 

Wal-Mart

[MJLamberson]

15 Ways to Amuse Yourself In a Public Bathroom! ?

 

1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbour,

"May I borrow a highlighter?"

 

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that".

 

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence

with a bodily function noise.

 

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

 

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

 

6. Say, "Darn, this water is cold."

 

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a

cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh

relaxingly.

 

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

 

9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."

 

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it

erratically under the stall walls of your neighbour while

yelling, "Whoa! Easy Boy!!"

 

11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters."

 

12. Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of

toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour.

Then say, "Could you kick that back over here, please.

 

13. Say, "C'mon, Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

 

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

 

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.

Now what am I gonna to do?"

[jbk240z]

LOL!! LOL!! You guys are killing me!!!