Adopting kids.....

[jbk240z]

Hey guys,

My wife and myself are thinking about adopting a third child. We always wanted 1 boy, 1 girl. Our second kid born was/is a boy. I know, you take what god gives you, but we still want a daughter. The wife is 41 years old, and after a very "rough" second pregnancy, we were advised not to have anymore kids. She had a tubal ligation done post delivery. Our boys are the greatest, (all parents say this I know). Although the younger son is like Curious George and Dennis the menace all rolled into one.

Ideally, we would like to adopt an infant baby girl. We are just getting started on this idea and have done some researching on the web. After seeing a few local cases of babies that have been abandoned, then later died, we think it would be worth it to save at least one child.

Upon some research, it seems some of the adoption agencies out there are more concerned with money than helping a child, very sad indeed.

No, we don't have alot of money, but are secure enough to provide a clean, safe, and comfortable home for a third child.

I know of at least one outstanding member here that is adopted. Based on his brief mention of this, he had some great parents.

My question is, does anyone have any experience with this or know anyone who does? Any ideas on how to get started?

Please post any ideas, suggestions, criticism, etc.

It is really sad, all of the high school aged mothers, career women, etc, that can't or don't want to take care of their babies.

Again, please post anything you might think to be helpful.

Thanks guys, Jason, Jackie, Timothy, and Nicholas

[woldson]

At 41 you are getting a touch old to be taking on another child.

Not saying it is too old just a bit.

Your disire ot have a specific gender shows a bit of self indulgence.

Make sure of your true intentions concerning this decision!

A third child will inpact the two you have as well, and with out too much money there will be less for them.

Possibly you can wait for grand kids?

 

Saving children is a wonderful thing to do and anyone that has is a saint.

Maby fostering for a while may give you guys better insight on the situation.

 

Plus if your boys are old enough and understand the girl is not blood could pose a problem as well.

 

I only say this because human life is extrodenally precious and the youth are inocent and vaunable and as adults it is our duty to protect them.

It seems you might be too enambered with the idea and thinking with your heart and not your mind, perhaps early mid life crisis?

Get a pug, they are very much like a child:)!

 

BTW the economy and world is a mess right now and you have to take future termoil into consideration as well.

 

I have girl, boy, girl, very fortunate of course and will say there is pros and cons to both. It is tougher in some ways rasing a girl/woman in current social enviroment.

I could possible be admonish for this posting and would understand, just looking out for the kidlets. Peace.

[dr_hunt]

An old man told me once, "If they don't pay your bills, then who cares what they say." Well, I don't pay your bills and you can take my advice however you like. You may be some kids savior, that's how I look at it. Do whats your nature from the heart. The mind has a tendency to rationalize things differently than your heart. I've seen some remarkable things happen with adopted kids.

 

How to go about it I don't know, but you'll be fine and some kid will be lucky growing up with z cars!

[Calgary280ZT]

I disagree with woldson big time on this issue, but you asked for advice, not a flamethrower, so we'll leave those comments for another day. LOL

 

I'm adopted. Was I adopted into a happy, healthy family? No. On the other hand, I could have been aborted, placed in abusive foster homes, etc. Would I have preferred to be adopted by a family like yours. Damn straight.

 

You are to be congratulated for for considering adoption. I hope you do it. Heck, take two while you're at it. The world needs more people like you and your wife, willing to take on the most important responsibility of all, raising a child.

 

My only caution is that you be realistic in your financial and personal ability to raise one more child. Two is plenty for any couple, three is a handful. My wife and I discussed adoption and rejected it for that reason. We're now in our mid to late forties and were happy to see the kids leave home and start new lives. For us, parenting into our late 50s/early 60s was not attractive. But if you and your wife are willing, have at it I say.

[ihatejoefitz]

My aunt was having trouble adopting a daughter, she is a social worker and her partner is a successful lawyer. I'm sure part of the problem was that she is gay, another thread perhaps. Her answer was going to China and getting one of the most beautiful baby girls I'd ever seen.

[woldson]

My point is only that it is not about us, it is about them... and them only.

You can adopt out of fostering.

I get leery around comments of desire of ones own self in regards to any individual, young or old.

 

I love kids tremendusly, yet that just me, what I can do for them on the other hand is,,,,priceless.

 

Btw, building a princess,,, not a good idea.

 

Jbk240z, you might be a very fine individual that can bring great joy in a otherwise dim future for a child. I do not know this because I do not know you. In cases of such importance I believe that pming a couple of admins that seem geared to such matters would have be better than an open forum.

 

If decisions are made for the correct reasons, than God bless you and your family. I mean that. Peace.

[psdenno]

I tend to agree with woldson. It's an emotional decision. Get advice from people who have done it - not from people who have thought about doing it. There are adoptive parent support groups in most communities. Ask around. Just remember, kids don't come with guarantees....and adopted kids often come with "baggage" and no prenatal care.

Dennis

[chrism]

I only have one son. My wife and I had considered adoption in the past but at the time, here sister was going to have 4 children taken from her by the state for reasons I won’t get into here. We were faced with the possibility of having to take on one or two of them. As you can imagine, this led to some very serious discussions and soul searching. The idea of adoption went from possibility to probability. Well it didn’t happen but it was a good eye opener. We were just not ready for such a commitment. However if you look back a couple thousand years, a man named Joseph adopted a son who he named Jesus.

Where would we be if Joseph did not have the strength to raise his adopted son?

You would be giving someone a chance to do great things in life.

I’m all for adoption and salute anyone who has the ability to do it.

[jbk240z]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies, keep them coming.

I will say this first, all of this has nothing to do with self indulgence!

Let's be honest, in most couples, the dad wants a boy, the mom wants a girl.

If my wife was able to have any more kids, then we would. However, after the problems we had with the last pregnancy, her age, etc. we sadly can not.

I am only 37 by the way.

Now I don't totally agree with woldson's first post, but I do see his point.

We decided to look into this to save a child, not to give us the girl we didn't have.

However, if it is possible to choose, then why not?

It is really sad that alot of people who do not understand the safe haven laws, then just abandon their babies, because of simple ignorance.

As for fostering, it works great for some people. My "step-grandma" did the fostering thing for awhile when she was younger. Then everytime she got the kids to where they needed to be, they would be taken away. She finally adopted a son and a daughter, who grew to happy and successful.

We don't want to become attached to a kid and then have it taken away. But more importantly, we don't want a kid to get attached to us and have to move on, the kid, even an infant has been through enough already.

Our two sons are ages 3.5 and almost 8. No, they don't fully understand what adoption means. They do seem to be very interested in the idea though.

We are going to research this very well before we go for it.

We are going to a "party" of sorts next month hosted by the adoption exchange just to chat with others that have adopted.

It was posted that people who adopt are saints, that may have truth to it, but for us it is about saving one of life's most precious gifts, a child.

Have any of you seen the news about the little boy who was abandoned at a Wal-Mart? It is these kind of events that just kill us. There is a local organization/group of people whose purpose is to make people aware of the safe haven laws. They need volunteers, I am going to do it.

If any of you are interested in the local child abandoment cases, I can send you some links to read.

Guys, sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.

Jason

[woldson]

Hey guys, thanks for the replies, keep them coming.

I will say this first, all of this has nothing to do with self indulgence!

Let's be honest, in most couples, the dad wants a boy, the mom wants a girl.

If my wife was able to have any more kids, then we would. However, after the problems we had with the last pregnancy, her age, etc. we sadly can not.

I am only 37 by the way.

Now I don't totally agree with woldson's first post, but I do see his point.

We decided to look into this to save a child, not to give us the girl we didn't have.

However, if it is possible to choose, then why not?

It is really sad that alot of people who do not understand the safe haven laws, then just abandon their babies, because of simple ignorance.

As for fostering, it works great for some people. My "step-grandma" did the fostering thing for awhile when she was younger. Then everytime she got the kids to where they needed to be, they would be taken away. She finally adopted a son and a daughter, who grew to happy and successful.

We don't want to become attached to a kid and then have it taken away. But more importantly, we don't want a kid to get attached to us and have to move on, the kid, even an infant has been through enough already.

Our two sons are ages 3.5 and almost 8. No, they don't fully understand what adoption means. They do seem to be very interested in the idea though.

We are going to research this very well before we go for it.

We are going to a "party" of sorts next month hosted by the adoption exchange just to chat with others that have adopted.

It was posted that people who adopt are saints, that may have truth to it, but for us it is about saving one of life's most precious gifts, a child.

Have any of you seen the news about the little boy who was abandoned at a Wal-Mart? It is these kind of events that just kill us. There is a local organization/group of people whose purpose is to make people aware of the safe haven laws. They need volunteers, I am going to do it.

If any of you are interested in the local child abandoment cases, I can send you some links to read.

Guys, sorry for the long post, thanks for reading.

Jason

 

 

Well now, that put my mind at ease alot:). (Not like that is your goal) History, humility, insight and honesty, great attrabutes to pass to any child. We need all the well rasied children we can in this world!

You helped make my day:)!

[Darrel]

How about adopting my niece and nephew? 7 and 9. They are potty trained(even wiping, front to back), will go into the closet without too much of a fight. The good thing is they are local to you!!

 

Just don't tell my brother or his wife, they might not understand.

[jbc3]

Interesting comments....

I will say that my wife and I have 4 biological children, the youngest is 18. 6 years ago we adopted 3 brothers; 2, 5 and 8. They came from multiple fathers and a mother on drugs alcohol and involved in kidnapping.... most every child out there for adoption has one or more sad stories. (yes that makes 7)

We have friends, neighbors and family that have been very supportive and positive with our decision. We even have friends that have gotten involved in adoption because of what we did. (no we are not in ANY sort of involvement in adoption promotion or groups etc...) The most interesting thing is we had friends that were down right nasty and critical of us adopting. We were very surprised at some of the responses and comments. Do what you feel is right... F the others and their opinions. Go in with an open mind, but ask a million questions and make sure you get the answers you are looking for. Don't take things for granted. Going to one of the exchange gatherings is a great idea. Make sure you ask more than the usual nice questions, ask about the system struggles. Look for more than just one, (multiple groups/agencies/religions) because some of them are all about the money. I know that in my state, we had to go to an extensive training class and there were background investigations and a full home inspection before we even allowed to be considered. Continue to ask questions.... you can walk away at any time. Our group/agency was awsome.

When it comes time to consider a child, they system plays you as though you are on trial and checks you out. You need to do the same to them, it needs to be right for you as well. The system is supposed to disclose what they know about the history and health of the child... suffice it to say, some of the initial reports are fiction.

The boys have changed our lives. We can't imagine our lives without them now. I am not saying it has been all roses, but they are great kids and have brought so much to our family. My children were involved the entire process and have accepted them 100%.

Good luck

[cygnusx1]

adopted kids often come with "baggage" and no prenatal care.

Dennis

 

There are no quality gaurantees, adopted, or born into the family. I say go for it. How? I have no idea. My wife and I have said that if we have a second child, it will be adopted. It's a real big IF though. As far as children being abandoned...you would need to skin me alive and whittle the meat of my bones bit by bit while I fought you with every ounce of life I had left, before I let go of my boy. I just plain don't understand it. My cousin is adopted and he is probably the nicest relative in both of our entire families.

[jbk240z]

Thanks again for the comments guys. We have doing research and read lots of info and still don't know where to start, LOL! Maybe it would be easier to build a clone of the space shuttle, or find a rust free Z LOL!

I am still trying to decide if we should tell my parents or not, maybe we will find out more first.

[jbk240z]

The safe haven organization I want to join http://www.coloradosafehavenfornewborns.org/index.php

 

 

The few words that I read which made me decide to join:

 

 

Won't you please think about how you will feel the next time an infant is turned in, knowing you helped save it's life?

 

You might also think how you will feel the next time a dead infant is found in a dumpster, knowing you might have helped save it's life.

 

I don't know about the rest of you, but that sure made me think.

[jbk240z]

Any other thoughts/ideas/suggestions/etc.? Let me hear them guys, good, bad, or otherwise.

Thanks in advance.

Jason

[woldson]

It is such a important decision and very personal.

Not much to add.

You have an intelectual position and emotional position.

This will not change no matter how hard it is hammered. The largest variable is you and without a complete biography of your self and the child there really is nothing more to add.

Well one thing, but that's against the rules;).

 

Do it for the child and you have less chance of a heartache.

[Mikelly]

Having been on the other side of that whole adoption process, all I can say is follow your heart and make sure you're 110% committed to the process.

 

There are any host of reasons that a child could be in the adoption "system", and the fact that you're considering such a wonderful and life changing event (my wife and I are also "thinking" about this very thing) speaks of who you are.

 

I recently sat in on a long term care insurance seminar and the jist of the speaker's talk was that 80 is the new 50 of the babyboomer era. There are lots of folks out there having children in their 40s. Why shouldn't they? We're living decades longer than our parents and grandparents. As long as you have the means, the moral compass and the long range planning (what happens if you die/estate planning kinds of things) then I say go for it and take comments here to heart. It will be a roller coaster of a ride, I'm sure, but one that will most likely reward in ways unimaginable.

 

Mike

[jbk240z]

Well, it has been over a year and we have not adopted yet.

Recently, my wife's coworker/friend, told us about a 1 year old little boy that she babysat for a week. The boy seems to be healthy, very cute, good manerisms, etc.

However, he has the misfortune of a worthless single mom who does not bathe him for a week at a time, nor does she change his diaper for as long as 3 days! The poor kid had a severe diaper rash. She has stated she does not want the baby anymore, hence the lack of care. Yet, she is pregnant again! She is a bonafide alcohol/drug user, piece of crap if you ask me. They had 17 paternity tests done and still no clue who the father is.

We are considering becoming this child's saviors. However we are frustrated because times are tough for us financially (like everyone), and to adopt the child would mean that we would have to get a bigger vehicle. Our corolla simply won't have the room for us and 3 kids. Since we can not afford another car at this time, we are thinking that we will do our best to find someone to take this child in and provide a safe, loving home.

 

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated.

 

Thanks, Jason

[woldson]

If you have more then one car,,,,,,,, CONVOY!!!!

 

Hope you do become that childs savior!