jonzer12 Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Well to date I have been making an effort to try and put away 500-800 a month for the Z project slated to begin in the late spring. I have been quietly squirling the money away and picking up a few parts here and there as well as learning all that I can. I am getting married at the end of next year and have been sitting down with my lady to discuss finances, honeymoon, longterm stuff etc. I am not making a huge amount of money right now, and she is in her last year of university so money is tight and I really should not be taking on a project of this expense but I know that if I don't get it started before I get married than it will be a huge fight afterwards. The thing is that she knows my current expenses and is beginng to realize that there is a large sum of money unaccounted for. She knows about the Z obsession but I don't think she realized just how much I am planning on spending on the whole thing. We have begun arguing over the exspense and practicality of the whole thing. (She has no expensive hobbies and is really frugil). My basic question in this thread is how do you guys hide/justify the expense of your cars. I already have a pretty nice daily driver and she can't see the need for dropping 15-20k (over time) into a car to use on the weekends. Do you guys pay cash and hide your bills, or do you guys try and make your wives/ others understand the dream that is your project car? I know this is not a technical post and may be off topic for the site but I am faced with a woman who wants to blow my car fund on a dream wedding or furniture (practical yes, fun no!) any advice is appreciated. Oh yeah, one more thing, it is not that she wants to spend "my" money, its that having no real passions of her own she saves 100% of her money for "our plans" and obviously in her female logic expects me to do the same. I don't want anyone to flame her or anything, I understand how she feels. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Aaron Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Find a middle ground between saving for your hobby and keeping her happy. Encourage her to find hobbies, or even better to get involved in yours. Take here to some shows or races, teach her a little about the cars, and help her to understand your passion for the car. Finally, DO NOT hide these expenses from the wife. Statisically, the number one reason marriages fail is over finances. You do not want to cripple your marriage before it gets started. You also may have to delay or otherwise comprimise on your project as a consequence of being married. Both sides of a marriage have to make certain sacrifices for the good of the couple. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sparky Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I agree with Aaron 100%. The key to a healthy relationship is an understanding of each others personalities and passion in equal parts. I would have to say that my Zcar hobby ( a very expensive hobby to have) is a big part of my life, and what I like to do. If my current girlfriend tried to tell me that I coulnt do it anymore, she would cease to be a girlfriend from that point on. Just sit her down and talk to her about it, try to explain it in a away that she might be able to identify with. also, why not sell your nicer daily drivr and buy something cheap to get around in..use that money for the Z...or throw it to your fiancee as some hush money easier said than done. but sometimes it just takes some outside sources to tell you what you already know, in order to make it happen. good luck, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JMortensen Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 "It's better to ask forgiveness than permission." I don't know who said it but they were right. Some women don't understand and never will. When I was selling diff parts I sold a lot of parts to guys who COULDN'T tell the wife. Luckily for me, my wife actually understands my Z thing. She has even autocrossed and been out on the big track a couple of times. She likes to race the car when you can drag her ass out there. If you ask her about racing in advance she is not interested at all. When she finally gets there and does a run and gets out of the car and her hands are shaking and she's got the ear to ear smile and her voice is quivering and she says "What did you DO to that thing since last time???" then she will admit that she enjoys it. Personally, I'm not real fond of the idea of embezzling money from the bank account to pay for Z parts. Especially since you are not married yet, I would sit down and have a talk with her about the Z, and possibly other hobbies you may have. My wife understands that I want my Z "done" before she gets pregnant. I'm smart enough to know that unless I start making a pile of money if we have a kid my adjustable control arm money is going to be Pampers money in no time. Don't be like all those guys I sold parts to and build your marriage on lies. Talk to your woman and set up a budget for you to spend on the Z. Jon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 There's nothing practical about blowing lots of money on a wedding. I would spend it all on parts before you really have a conversation about it. Then it's safe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maichor Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 1) Yes, compromise is a necessity. I can't talk though, my wife is AWESOME! She loves cars and has a list of her own that she wants. In my opinion, honesty is the best policy, especially with the wife. I never try to hide money from her, except around XMAS. She pays the bills and knows the account. At Christmas, I will use a credit card for her gifts, at least that way, she won't find out how much I have spent until she has her gifts and is enjoying them. 2) Fair is fair. Your wife may not have passions of her own, but you must make sure she does. If you are putting money away for your stuff, you should put some away for her. So far, my car project has cost me, a treadmill, 2 cats, a nice set of ceramic cannisters, a gold watch and a few other things over 3 years. But, I have spent nearly 10X that on the car. It will take you longer to get the money, but it is the way you need to go. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trevor Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 She already has a $$$ hobby. Wedding plan$. Next it will be furniture, re-decorating, $hoe$, clothe$....... No need to hide your Z expenses. It's justified as "Therapy". Married Twice, Burned Once Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonzer12 Posted October 6, 2003 Author Share Posted October 6, 2003 Thanks for all the great advice, I have realized that I MUST buy the car before the wedding so that once it is there there is no getting rid of it, I figure if its been there since day 1 she might eventually be accustomed the time/money I spend on it. Maichor your approach seems to make sense, she probably won't notice the $2000 wheels while she is admiring her new $300 arm chair. Expensive, but honest and probably the best route. My plans for having a running hybridZ car for the wedding are fast fading however! I was planning on leaving two black patches and a bunch of fumes on the church parking lot exit! I knew it wouldn't happen anyways! Thanks again for solid advice from hybridz.org Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strotter Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I'll bet her problem won't be that you have an expensive hobby - women more or less expect us to act like children, needing toys, acting like idiots now and then - but that you're hiding something from her. Hiding something from the mate is a bad idea. Her thinking will be "If he hides something as trivial as spending money on a car from me, what else will he hide from me?" And she'll be right. It's a question of trust. The thing about trust is that once you lose it, you don't get it back. Don't B.S. the woman you're hoping to spend the rest of your life with. She is *way* more important that a car. Thirty years from now you'll still be looking at her beautiful face and wondering how a guy like you got so lucky - and the car will be a distant memory, at best. Also: she's not your mommy, don't expect her to act like one, don't treat her like one. Neither of you make unilateral decisions, you make them together, compromising as necessary. As time goes on you'll have your jobs and responsibilities, she'll have hers. She likely already understands this. This means that if she feels it's important to save some money put away, it should be important to you, too. She's thinking about a safe home maybe, a buffer in case things go economically bad, a nest-egg in case something unexpected comes up, independence. But your input counts, too: you need the project for your own reasons (some kind of emotional reasons associated with your masculinity or something; I'm not always clear on the "emotional" things). What I would suggest is that you come totally clean to her, explain the project and the money you've been socking away. You may need to compromise on some things, not a problem. To make her more comfortable, you should probably rethink the *goals* of the project, rather than the project itself. She knows: 1. You both need transportation (meaning 2 functioning cars); 2) Functioning cars are expensive; 3) Functioning cars occasionally break down, leaving you stranded; 4) A third car is a useful luxury, if it's reliable enough to take up the slack when an everyday car breaks down; 5) The amount of money you spend on the project is equivalent to the cost of a newer everyday kind of car. OK, instead of building a racecar that's good for nothing else, build a high-performance car that can be used for daily transportation. Maybe not *every* day, but a getting-to-work-if-the-other-car-breaks-down kind of thing. If you're a good-enough mechanic, you can build your dream-car for *less* than the cost of, say, a 3-year old Taurus. This implies that you can build your toy in such a way that she can, if necessary, climb into it and go to work - a *much* more demanding and interesting goal than a straight zoom zoom racer, anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeK280z Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 My one-year wedding anniversary is less than one week away. Trust what everyone here is telling you, don't hide or sneak around about money or anything else. It's a great way to start to start a fight and ruin a relationship. Put yourself in her shoes. How do you think she would feel if a year or two from now she found out you were secreting away money to use on whatever. She would feel as though her trust was violated. Once you lose trust, you start to question everything your spouse is doing. My (opps) our Z needed some major undercarriage work this summer. Keep in mind we were also house-shopping at the time. When I told my wife I needed her to help me drop the car off, a discussion ensued about what was wrong, what it needed, oh yeah, and what I thought it would costs. Given the figure I threw out, (At least $500 or $600 labor) she was taken back that I was informing her I was doing this without discussing it. Keep in mind; I am the cheapskate in our marriage. If the rolls were reversed, I would have been upset with her for not discussing it first. I admitted I was wrong, because I believed I was, we discussed it, it fit our budget because I had saved for it, we moved on. In our marriage the biggest problem is communication. Don't get me wrong, our marriage is rock solid, we love each other very much and have a great relationship, but when we have disagreements, or fights, 95% of the time it's due to miscommunication. 1). If you really love her and love your hobby, you need to let her know that on both counts. 2) You also have to realize that you can no longer do whatever you want with money. Marriage means what's mine is hers and what hers is mine and as someone stated earlier relationships are about compromise. As far as Z's go, my wife is not a big car person. She's not a guy . I try to involve her as much as I can and she has been a good sport about it. We have plans to eventually buy a Z or Datsun roadster for her. She'll drive it; I'll work on it. But once that happens it's not just spending on "my" (I keep telling her its ours) car; we are restoring/ modifying our cars. Big difference. We are both members of our Z club. Does she go to every meeting - not even close. She barely goes to any. But I tell her about them when I get home. Mention names, what's going on with people's families and cars. I try to get her involved in the club events and outings that other women go to. Part of what I think a club should do is sponsor family oriented stuff to involve spouses, kids, etc. She has come to shows and sat behind the car with a book. Guys talk to her more than me???? HEY! I guess my morale is, unless you hit lotto, your "spending responsibility" will have to change. Let her know it's really important to you. Until she's out of school and making money, your project may have to slow down or take a back seat for a while. That doesn't mean you have to give it up, it just means that your marriage is more important than a car. Not always a bad thing. A possible suggestion: a friend of mine told me this, before I got married. Once you're married and establish your budget - after everything (including savings) is accounted for, part of your weekly budget should be for lack of better terms, an allowance. Whether it's $10, or $1000 (dream), you each get the same amount and it's yours for whatever. So if I save it for a month and use it to buy car parts, that's my money to do with as I please. If she wants to buy Cosmo every week or save it for a month and go to the spa, that's hers and I have no right to tell her what to do with it. This is simply my very humble and ignorant opinion. I'm not an expert by any means. Just remember, like an old Z, a marriage takes constant maintenance and care. If you put in the time and energy it will be a great car/relationship. If you do a half-ass job, you will have a half-ass marriage and a clunker. That means constant, constant open communication. You have to talk to her and you shouldn't hide stuff. Health and happiness to you both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sumo Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I got rid of the woman and got a basset, kinda like this.http://www.basset-bhca.org/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David K Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 jonzer12 You sound like you give a lot for this woman. Explain to her this is YOUR hobby, and its one of the things that will keep you happy over the years, her being the #1 thing. Its not about money or material things, its about doing something you enjoy, your passion, your time away from the harsh world to go sit in the garage, listen to some tunes, and wrench away. I feel that if a woman isnt willing to at least halfway accept your passions, then she isnt worth being with at all. Too many women out there who want it their way, or no way at all. Their way usually consists of locking you down and basically 'changing' who you are. If a couple needs to 'sit down' and sort things out before a marriage, they slowly start thinking that getting married isnt even worth the bother. Like some others said in this thread, find a middle ground. It may be hard as you tell us she doesnt have many expensive hobbies, but tell her once you finish the car, you AND her will take it out on drives, dinners, movies, vacations, etc. That may open her eyes My woman LOVES to go to the junkyard with me. She has a wagon and a toolbox. We split up and meet up later to share our finds with each other. She helped me lift a transmission in our G20. She does her own oil change, she helped me lift engines out of the Z and take them apart. I love my chick! Maybe it will help if you asked her to come out and help you once in a while? You and her under the Z on creepers, you telling her what this and that is, showing her how things work? An addiction has to start somewhere, and if you get her into your Z, you should have a free for all from that day on, lol 8) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonzer12 Posted October 6, 2003 Author Share Posted October 6, 2003 I should classify that I haven't been hiding this money from her, just that until now she hasn't really examined my finances, we kept our finiancial lives separate. I have just completed university and began a career. I put myself through school by working full time at the cost of a limited social life and some good grades here and there. During that time I gave up or lost every hobby I had and now the thing that really interests me is building a hybridz. I feel that I am "due" in a sense. I do realize that once married financial decisions are a mutual that is why I want to blow the bank before the wedding . Is this selfish, I don't know, to her it seems so, to me its seems nessesity. Not because I really want it RIGHT now, just because I fear that if I don't get it now I will end up buying a house, then having kids and then I will be retired before I get a chance of building the car. Then of coarse, how could I get away with buying tools if I don't have a project car that needs them? I have decided to come clean about exactly how much money I have put away and about how much I plan to spend between now and the end of next year on the Z car. I am hoping she will understand that this is my window to get a lifelong hobby started. I think once the dust settles she will understand. Besides she will probably make more than me anyways, who cares what I spend!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 1975yellowBSPZ Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I have to agree whole-heartedly with the posts that you should be as honest as possible about the project. You will likey need to become flexable with the timeframe of your project. She will start to embrace it and factor it into the budect and it will become a joint effort. Don't just say "I'm going to go drop 1000 bucks on coilovers" try to take the time to show her the differnt options and work into it in steps IE If I put these $500 shocks on now, they will support the $400 coilovers next month and we'll be doing it right the first time. It helps to have a plan written down, with serveral options and reasons, so it becomes a project that you both had input into. She will reward you with going with the "good stuff", and force you to be honest about what you really need (ie- if I skip on the dressup kit, I can afford the swaybars etc) She will enjoy helping you realize your dream. I have the unique position of being able to say that my wife not only supports (within limits of course) my z hobby, she created it. She bought my 75 z autocross car for me as a present bc she knew I allways wanted one. Plus she felt that if I spent an afternoon autocrossing, I was around twice as long as if I spent the extended weekend racing sailboats (pretty good logic, really) That said, I can't run out and buy brembo brakes for all corners and justify them as "educational expenses", But I feel great about any purchases we make together. Oh, and my kid LOVES the Z! "Love my car Love my Wife Love my Life" Mr. W Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvilRufusKay Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 A simple solution is one my dad used when he wanted to buy something. He would get a crappy part time job at night for a couple of hours, maybe just a few days a week, and it was agreed by my mother that he could use that money for whatever he wanted. I do this as well but I do side jobs like brakes, or motor swaps for friends that don't have the skills. Got tools? Make money!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavyZ Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 jonzer12, one word: PAYPAL Yep, if you like to keep some cash safe with no paper trail, just open an account and keep it all there. You have a password and she won't, period. I don't "hide" money from my wife because she knows that I have a small 'business' account there for buying and selling car parts so she doesn't need to know the exact balance or anything. Infact she doesn't care. I don't "steal" money from our budget, so all is well. Remember: it's for car parts for buying and selling them on the web--that's it, plain and simple. Davy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denny411 Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 I work on other peoples cars for extra cash. This has helped to buy nearly all of my tools and parts for my projects. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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