a few facts about chuck norris

[Guest HBZ81]

i found this on another forum.

 

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

 

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

 

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

 

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

 

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

 

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

 

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

 

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

 

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

 

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

 

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

 

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

 

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

 

14. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

 

15. Chuck Norris can actually breath fire.

 

16. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

[Garrett76Zt]

That is hilarious!!

 

Comedic Gold that chuck norris . . . must be why Conan O'Brien always pulls that lever!

[Cruez]

 

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

 

LOL !!!

[Guest HBZ81]

some more i found:

 

 

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

 

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and **** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

 

 

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

 

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

 

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

 

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

 

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

 

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids.

 

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

 

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

 

Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.

 

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

[Guest ON3GO]

omg best funny thread ever..

 

im crying

 

mike

[Guest grimlynsan]

on a slightly more truthful note, the theme song to his show was written and is performed by non-other-than Chuck Norris!

[Drax240z]

The Vin Diesel ones are better.

[materchan]

chuck is so tight. in delta force when he kills the last guy with the backwards firing rockets on his motorcycle, and he DOESNT EVEN LOOK BACK. classic chuck

[MusPuppis]

Bruce beat the **** outa Chuckles on the set of that movie they did together.

 

Go go gadget owned.

 

Bruce > Chuckles.

[Guest Battle Pope]

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

 

PFFFT!! bahahahahaha

[b__sosick]

the vin diesel site is even better

 

 

 

 

 

Vin Diesel only takes one lick to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

 

Vin Diesel will never write an autobiography, since he's worried it would knock The Bible off the bestseller list, then he'd have to go up to heaven and console God, who'd probably be really upset with the whole affair, and he'd have to tell him it was just a good year for autobiographies, and that people still like The Bible, but want to wait for the holiday sales.

 

Vin Diesel controls the tides.

 

Vin Diesel killed Kenny. Bastard!

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

 

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

 

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. F*ck you, team.

 

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

 

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

 

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

 

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

 

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

 

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

 

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

 

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

 

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

 

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

 

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

 

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

 

Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown's hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he'd come back to eat him.

Not only was Vin Diesel the first to shoot a baby out of a cannon, he was the first to eat a high velocity baby shot out of a cannon.

[Guest HBZ81]

oh this thread is too much:cheers:

[Zhadman]

Being a HUGE childhood fan of the A-Team I just can't resist the Mr. T versions:

 

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

 

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

 

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

 

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

 

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

 

Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

 

Mr. T's infamous catch phrase was misunderstood to be "I Pity The Fool" when it was actually "I Pee In Your Food". Mr. T then proceded to eat a bag of kittens.

 

The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young Mr. T is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of Mr. T to come for him. He tried once, but was pitied like a fool, so went looking instead for the next 'T' in his book, Thomas Beckett.

 

Mr T. is in fact 120 feet tall, breathes fire, and pisses liquid gold. but since no human on earth can comprehend his awsomeness, he formed a man out of gold, rock, and c-4 explosives to pity us all.

 

Mr. T once pitied a fool so hard that he burst into flames.

 

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

 

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do ****, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

 

As a kid, Mr. T loved to play the game of Hot Potato. Of course, he didn't play with a regular potato. Rather, Mr. T preferred playing with a live hand grenade. Mr. T pities the fool who's no good at hot potato.

 

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

 

Mr.T actually came up with the theory of relavity, Einstein merely stole it from him. Although originaly this was called Mr.T's theory of relative pity, Einstein in fact mistranslated it into 'jibba jabba'

 

A random onlooker once taunted Mr. T. Mr. T responed by hitting the man so hard that both his parents died.

 

Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

 

Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris only met once. This was the same day that the dinosaurs went extinct. They have been kept apart ever since.

 

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

 

Mr. T's umbilical cord was actually a large gold chain... the medallion didn't grow in until he was 6 months old.

 

Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.

 

Mr. T defeated cancer by pitying it into submission. Consequently the first mohawked antibodies were discovered by doctors, but are too helluva tough to be injected into mortals.

 

Mr. T is actually responsible for the Internet. He pittied a calculator into developing Internet capability one day when no phone was handy.

 

The chain around Mr. T's neck is not made of just gold. It's really made of Chuck Norris' semen, which is, in fact, gold.

 

Mr T. can fly, or rather levitate, by the simple act of pitying gravity into submission.

 

When Mr. T puts on his dancing shoes, you better f-ing run.

 

When asked what a pitying feels like, Mr. T responded "Rip off your own genetalia".

 

God didn't create the world, he only drew the blue prints. Mr. T built the world with his bare hands, an acetylene torch and a 55 gallon drum.

 

Every night Mr. T prays: "God grant me the serenity to accept the fools I cannot pity, the courage to pity the fools I can, and some crazy chrome spinners."

 

In Soviet Russia, the fools pitied Mr. T! This explains why there is no longer a Soviet Russia.

[Guest tony78_280z]

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

That happend to me once.

[crazy280]

[Guest JAMIE T]

You guys made my day. Thanks!

[SuperKid]

OMFG! This thread is possibly the funniest thread in the history of the internet!

[Lunar240z]

i second that..

[auxilary]

It's funnier when Chuck Norris hears these in person

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=QP1PuB1R-Xw

 

[Guest HBZ81]

awesome find!