COZY Z COLE Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 Judge #3 >> was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting >> from >> Springfield, IL . >> >> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a >> chili >> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and >> I >> happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for >> directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was >> assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't >> be all that spicy; >> and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the >> tasting, so I >> accepted and became Judge 3." >> >> Here are the scorecard notes from the event: >> >> CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI >> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. >> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. >> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You >> could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the >> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. >> >> CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI >> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. >> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken >> seriously. >> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure >> what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who >> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer >> when they saw the look on my face. >> >> CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI >> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. >> Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. >> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose >> feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. >> Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my >> backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from >> all of the beer. >> >> CHIL I # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC >> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. >> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for >> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. >> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was >> unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the >> beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills This 300 lb. woman >> is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is >> chili an aphrodisiac? >> >> CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER >> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, >> adding considerable kick. Very impressive. >> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must >> admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. >> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead >> and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me >> needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that >> her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding >> by >> pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm >> burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked >> me to stop screaming. Screw them. >> >> CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY >> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance >> of spices and peppers. >> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, >> garlic. Superb. >> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with >> gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm >> worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand >> behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe >> my butt with a snow >> cone. >> >> CHI LI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI >> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned >> peppers. >> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can >> of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am >> worried about >> judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of dis tress as he is >> cursing uncontrollably. >> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and >> I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world >> sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, >> which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match >> my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've >> decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting >> any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch >> hole in my stomach. >> >> CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI >> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not >> too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. >> Judge # 2 - - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither >> mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 >> farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of >> himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd >> have reacted to >> really hot chili? >> Judge # 3 - No Report. LARRY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators RTz Posted December 22, 2007 Administrators Share Posted December 22, 2007 "I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OlderThanMe Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 LOL!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chemicalblue Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 Dude that is FUNNY! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smoorenc Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 That is my favorite! It doesn't matter how many times I read it, it still cracks me up. This joke link below one comes in close second. (Cozy Z Cole, I am not trying to steal your thread, just adding a joke) Members in the Mid-West can probably relate right now. "Diary of a snow shoveler" http://forums.hybridz.org/showthread.php?p=835347#post835347 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gareth Posted December 22, 2007 Share Posted December 22, 2007 I just fell on the floor... That was a great read! Reminds me of the "HOT ROD" story from last month. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators SuperDan Posted December 23, 2007 Administrators Share Posted December 23, 2007 "I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone." Too damn funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Turbo Meister Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 This is great. Makes me hungry...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
COZY Z COLE Posted December 23, 2007 Author Share Posted December 23, 2007 This is great. Makes me hungry...... Hanns, I knew the rushing sound of hot air would bring a response from you... LARRY Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbk240z Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 Larry.........too funny!!!! I woke up one my kids from laughing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woldson Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 I had tears from laughing! That was very well written, totaly could envision it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
het976 Posted December 23, 2007 Share Posted December 23, 2007 That was laugh out loud funny... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
firm Posted December 24, 2007 Share Posted December 24, 2007 I know I'm a little late to the party and all, but that's one of the funniest things that I've read in a while. Good stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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