johnc Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Funny, a Californian (me) found this on an Iraqi blog site: The following list of rules apply to each person as they enter Texas. Know them and learn them. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot. Let's get this straight, it's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way. We have pigs, cattle, and oil wells -- that's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Don't like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw "Bambi," too. We got over it. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time. Yeah, we eat catfish, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women. We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham, turkey or chicken. When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices -- salt, pepper, and Tabasco sauce. You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice and plenty of it! You bring "Hooch" into my house it better have 4 legs, a tail, and have a nose for quail, dove, duck, teal, or pheasant. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon. High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit into the water hazards -- it spooks the fish. Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays. We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best! Our military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course. Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CableSrv Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 hahaha that's funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phyte Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Yeah - and don y'all forgit it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JMortensen Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 This thread reminds me of Full Metal Jacket... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EvilRufusKay Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 I was once riding my motorcycle thru Texas (pan handle)on the way to California, it was raining badly (the whole time). I stopped at a gas station....clay road right off the exit..soaking wet. Pulled into the gas station walked around to the front and I see what looks to be hafldog half cyote standing on the hood of an eastern indian's brand new BMW the critter is barking..scratching at the winshield..the guy inside the BMW is pleading with two guys inside to get the dog off his car. The two guys inside are wearing cowboy hats and sidearms, they are laughing hysterically. Hmmm... I go in grab a candy bar and go back to my bike...this dog thing had somehow gotten my helmet off of the top off my handle bars ( about 4' up) and had completly torn out the inside!!! Foam, fabric, and styrofoam everywhere. I get the helmet back from the deranged animal and head inside. When I asked the two guys with the hats and guns "is that your dog outside" I only got one reply...... "You ain't from around here are you boy?" With that I left... That is my only real expierience in Texas... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Yeah - an don yew fergit it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gramercyjam Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Do ya think he might be one of those new imports (from californ-eye-a)? We might need some more rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Aaron Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Its amazing how much of that list applies to Alabama also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zguy95135 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 quote]Do ya think he might be one of those new imports (from californ-eye-a)? We might need some more rules. dear god... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Z-Dreamer Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Do ya think he might be one of those new imports (from californ-eye-a)? We might need some more rules. If he was from California he'd be wearing USC shirt, not a some homo longhorn shirt! Like the old saying goes, " Only two things from Texas, steers and queers" Go ahead and flame me all you 'good ol boys'. Mark ps. The only good thing to come out of Texas in the last four years is G.W. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phantom Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Guy is more likely from Massachusetts. Nobody from CA would be that pasty white. Z-dreamer - better be careful Ford boy. An don y'all fergit it!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RPMS Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Dang, that list is funny. There were a few on there I'd never heard before. And trust me - unless you're from around here, you just can't appreciate how true some of it is, kinda like most of the Jeff Foxworthy stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 1975yellowBSPZ Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 honest to god every other time I've seen that picture he was in OU garb. And this one is obviously photoshopped. I think he's really an Okie. Not that I'm biased either way, what do I care, I'm from Kansas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JKDGabe Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Texans in the "After Life" Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing." The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil." The Devil answers the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returns to the phone, "OK, I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said , "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Texans have gotten together with the Aussies, put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest shodog Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 He must be from Texas. No one else would have big enough calf fries to wear that outfit. Remember everything is bigger and better in Texas. Just not at the same time. I'd personally like to see his date. HeHe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest zfan Posted April 11, 2004 Share Posted April 11, 2004 I think you all are wrong! Imagine Sen. Teddy Kennedy Ok maybe that is a little too much. Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gramercyjam Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 ps. The only good thing to come out of Texas in the last four years is G.W. I guess y'all won't be wanting any more of our oil any more then. Like the old saying goes' date=' " Only two things from Texas, steers and queers" [/quote'] Can't say I ever heard that one before. But I have heard tales about that town you got over there called San Fransisco. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JMortensen Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Like the old saying goes, " Only two things from Texas, steers and queers" R Lee Ermey from FULL METAL JACKET Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gramercyjam Posted April 12, 2004 Share Posted April 12, 2004 Like the old saying goes, " Only two things from Texas, steers and queers" R Lee Ermey from FULL METAL JACKET Dang it! I used to like that movie. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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