My turn to seek advice about bikes and relationships

[auxilary]

Either way this is still about control. She basicly lied to you (manipulated) you to get what she wanted. The lie is she didn't tell you up front what she really felt. The motorcycle is NOT the issue in my mind. Watch for this in other areas of you relationship in the future. These types of manipulations will result in resentment from you towards her.

Yes, that thought has crossed my mind

[Oddmanout84]

I had my Harley 1200 Sportster custom when I first met my girlfriend. She had never seen it or ridden on a bike beforehand. At first, she was apprehensive. When she came along for our first ride I took it slow at first, then let loose. No problems at all, she loved it and now wants a bike of her own someday. If your girl refuses to ride on the bike, she's either scared you're going to ride crazy or do something stupid. Ease her into it. If she refuses just based on looking at it (and with the previous experiences in mind) it seems to me this is all about control. If that's the case, drop it like last week's trash. Its toxic otherwise.

Edited March 6, 2011 by Oddmanout84

[auxilary]

She'll ride with me. In fact, today we got her gloves and jacket (at her request). Goddamn women and their mixed signals.

[Oddmanout84]

She'll ride with me. In fact, today we got her gloves and jacket (at her request). Goddamn women and their mixed signals.

 

 

They can be like that, lol.

[z2go]

Man... I hate mind games. You should not feel guilty for the fact that she let you believe that she was OK with motorcycles to begin with, and now that you are far along enough in the relationship, you are "stuck" and are now forced to compromise. Granted, it seems like she is somewhat willing to compromise as well, so if you are willing to meet her in the middle... good for you. Just don't do anything you aren't 100% willing to do, or you will resent her and regret the decision!

 

Tell her to get her wires un-crossed and start saying what she means, and meaning what she says! I tell my girlfriend this a lot, any time I feel like I'm not getting her honest opinion... I tell her that if she says something is OK, then I am going to do it, and I'm not looking back. It seems to work well. Screw trying to decipher what those she-devils really think!

[Tony D]

You guys are so jaded and cynical that you refuse to accept the possibility that maybe this girl's intent by nagging and prohibitions is merely to protect her guy. "Not allowing him" to purchase the motorcycle is perhaps a benighted form of expressing love, as opposed to jealousy that the bike would overtake the relationship or censure that it's an irresponsible spending of money.

 

Have a reasoned conversation with her, explaining with cogent statistics that more displacement in a motorcycle does not correlate with risk of highway injury. Then explain that having considered your options, you are convinced that buying the bike is in your best interest. Her reaction will expose the nature of her sentiments: frustration or fear = OK, reluctant acceptance = excellent, disgust and exasperation = bad.

 

The second paragaraph is diametrically opposed to the first. If she is so concerned, there would have been conversation. Are we so dysfunctional that manipulation and coercion have been bred into our acceptable cultural norms? "Benighted expression of expressing love" sure, and an abuser says it with a good fist to the face! Are you serious? The girl, by saying one thing, then doing another is showing some issues.

 

As I said, 'weed out the chaff time'---there is nothing wrong with LEAVING. Don't deal with her, find someone else more compatible. The problem people have is they get all hung up in 'investment in relationship' and start screwing themselves over the thought that maybe this person IS NOT the one, and instead put in on time what should be put in on finding someone RIGHT for them.

 

Sadly, I don't see the second paragraph working out that way. reluctant ecceptance is usually followed by 'resentment' as well, and that is where the problem starts. If she doesn't accept it you can't make her. Trying to will ultimately lead to failure.

 

Frankly, the Jeep Analogy, while some think a bit ackward, is pretty good advice. There ARE women out there like that. There is nothing wrong with them. Maybe they aren't smokin' hot models...but when you find someone like in the Jeep Example, you find yourself not looking at the hot models any more. And frankly dysfunctional women with needy-whiny-manipulative games really start to piss you off. To the extent that you suggest you find someone else and 'weed out the chaff'!

 

I know far toooo many guys who had hot wives, and how constantly are on the move and looking. Skin Deep is the phrase... and it's true!

[z2go]

 

I know far toooo many guys who had hot wives, and how constantly are on the move and looking. Skin Deep is the phrase... and it's true!

 

How does it go? "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, find yourself an ugly wife"?

 

Tony, you have the best advice here in this thread, but unfortunately most will not take this advice... only look at it after the fact and say, "Man, I should have done that, would have saved a lot of time and money..."

 

I know I've been guilty of the same, and most guys just don't want to hear that they have a crappy relationship and that their compromises will suck the life out of them... and that their woman wears the pants, and how that pink dress he has to wear now just doesn't match his shoes...

[Nizm0Zed]

Jeez i hope she never reads this....

 

My wife isnt that good looking, not by everyone elses standards.

But then, neither am i.

We have been together over 10 years now, and she is most definately the one.

I got my bike a few years ago, and even then it took a good 2 years of me pestering her, saying i was going to get one.

Eventually she cracked it and said "fine, do whatever you want"

I rode home on my new bike the next day. The following week was very nice and peaceful, with no nagging or conversation at all

 

She accepts that its what i wanted, and that i strive to give her what she wants.

She wont ride on it with me at all, but will compromise on a trike, so its a start...

 

At the end of the day though, for us, its all about communication and compromise on BOTH sides.

[Xander]

When I am spending money on my car again and my wife gives me a hard time about it, I usually tell her "men with hobbies don't cheat on their wives". That usually shuts her up

[getoffmyinternet]

Well we want hot biker chick wives because we want to have our cake and eat it too. Although at some point most of us realize that settling isn't really settling, it's just that the grass only looks greener on the other side.

 

And seriously, why do people struggle so hard to make a relationship work? It's actually harder to leave than stay, no better time to weed out the chaff than as early as possible. If you're still in the dating period it's typical to be on the "honeymoon" and if there are already fundamental flaws then it's only downhill from there (or is it uphill?). You shouldn't have to work through things like that until you're pretty darn committed. Also, how do you know the mixed signals aren't just her relapsing on her original intentions? Sounds like her mind has always been made up, she's just battling with saying she'll get used to it (in order to keep you) and how she really feels about it. She won't be able to go on like that forever--once she knows she's keeping you regardless, the curtain will drop. It's not some diabolical plan on her part, just a subconscious mentality that causes that chain of events, we all do it at some point.

[JSM]

The second paragaraph is diametrically opposed to the first. If she is so concerned, there would have been conversation. Are we so dysfunctional that manipulation and coercion have been bred into our acceptable cultural norms? "Benighted expression of expressing love" sure, and an abuser says it with a good fist to the face! Are you serious? The girl, by saying one thing, then doing another is showing some issues.

 

As I said, 'weed out the chaff time'---there is nothing wrong with LEAVING. Don't deal with her, find someone else more compatible. The problem people have is they get all hung up in 'investment in relationship' and start screwing themselves over the thought that maybe this person IS NOT the one, and instead put in on time what should be put in on finding someone RIGHT for them.

 

Sadly, I don't see the second paragraph working out that way. reluctant ecceptance is usually followed by 'resentment' as well, and that is where the problem starts. If she doesn't accept it you can't make her. Trying to will ultimately lead to failure.

 

Frankly, the Jeep Analogy, while some think a bit ackward, is pretty good advice. There ARE women out there like that. There is nothing wrong with them. Maybe they aren't smokin' hot models...but when you find someone like in the Jeep Example, you find yourself not looking at the hot models any more. And frankly dysfunctional women with needy-whiny-manipulative games really start to piss you off. To the extent that you suggest you find someone else and 'weed out the chaff'!

 

I know far toooo many guys who had hot wives, and how constantly are on the move and looking. Skin Deep is the phrase... and it's true!

 

Yep, yep and more yep! Geese, I wish I knew you 18 years ago!

 

This is some of the BEST relationship advice.

[Tony D]

When I am spending money on my car again and my wife gives me a hard time about it, I usually tell her "men with hobbies don't cheat on their wives". That usually shuts her up

 

Generally, this is true, 3AM out in the garage beats 3AM out....where?

 

Not necessarily 'ugly' but its true that personality and compatibility are a lot more important than physical attributes. Basing things on transient superficial gauges that can go away will lead to things getting harder as they go along.

 

Getting a bike when you're MARRIED is a TOTALLY different thing than when you have a girlfriend.

 

I had bikes for years, until my son was born. Now that he's an Eagle Scout and in College I can consider it again.

 

In the interim there never was any discussion, it's just the responsible thing to do.

 

People making concessions during dating are all backed up. That kind of incompatibility needs to be the FILTER for long term relationships. If you are fighting over this, what happens when you loose your job and have a kid and she decides it's YOUR job to support the family and no, she won't be going to work as you discussed earlier...

 

Manipulation through emotional mechanisims and games really pisses me off, and it scares me when I see people twisted about by the tactics. It's like a Monty Python Sketch, I just want to scream "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"

 

Seriously, get the bike you want, let her pout all she wants. Find someone else if it comes to it. Preferably at the roadside with a flat on her Ducati. I'm laying money a couple of days with Ducati Debbie and you will forget about Manipulative Mary.

 

So what if she's only got one leg from a bike accident, do you know what kind of coin it takes to get the shifter and brake moved to the same side of the bike on a Custom Ducati? She's loaded! Stick to her like glue....

[z2go]

I told my girlfriend of 3 + years the other day that I needed to bring the Z's dash inside to the living room to work on. I told her I needed to rewire the whole thing, so there's going to be a huge mess of wires, solder, tools, all strewn about. She said, "You're going to put a blanket down, right? I don't want the carpet to get dirty from old wires and such."

 

I said yes.

 

Now that's compromise!!!

 

You shouldn't have to give up the things that you love. She supports me in all of my hobbies and goals, even if it's something she would never do. She is scared of riding motorcycles, won't even get on a dirt bike. However, I've been able to buy whatever motorcycle I want, crash whatever motorcycle I want, got help living in a cast for four months, and then buy whatever motorcycle I want again. Yea, it's dangerous to ride, but you are safe about it. You personally are probably better off on a bike than in a car on the freeway in traffic... people die in cars too, you know.

 

If keeping you from being happy makes her happy, then you either need to be happy not being happy, or find someone who lets you be happy.

 

 

**NOTE** That's 3 + years of living together, sharing bills and not doing the chores I'm supposed to because I'm in the garage working on the Z...

Edited March 6, 2011 by z2go

[Tony D]

Life is Terminal.

 

Many people haughitly/arrogantly ignore that fact.

 

If you become obsessed by all the 'if' 'why' and 'could' scenarios on everything, you are already dead IMO. Then, what's the point?

 

I recently saw a very nice Taiwanese commercial where these guys in their 80's or 90's all declared 'lets ride motorcycles' and did a tribute ride around the island in memoriam of their passed friends. An old B&W photo of them all on their old 60's era Hondas on the beach was shown quite a lot.

 

They had to prepare for a year. But they got out of the rest homes, threw down their walkers, got out and DID something.

 

Inspirational or generational? I think I'd rather be doing something which wrung me out at the end of the day, that simply sit and watch the world go by...and my life with it!

 

Kind of digressing off topic here, but some things and some people will as mentioned above 'suck the life from you' and you must guard against that. I don't know how many guys I watched throw 20, 30 years of their life away kowtowing to a manipulative harpie shrew of a woman with indecent demands. Like a dark force, she repelled the circle of friends: we knew if we came by to ask "can Drew come out to play" it would make for an unending hell for him that evening when he got home (by 10, no later, 9 was better....)

 

Ah well, time for breakfast.

[slownrusty]

Ask a technical question about Turbos..you get two maybe three responsones.

 

Ask a question about girls and relationships...you get two pages worth of responses..go figure.

 

Go buy the damn liter bike will you!

Yasin

[zero]

I am recently single for the first significant amount of time in about 8 years. I know ALL ABOUT manipulative girls and fighting over these sort of issues. I bought a bike last year and have loved every minute of owning it.

 

If I have learned anything from my various relationships, it is DO NOT DEAL WITH OR TOLERATE GIRLS WHO CAN'T BE HONEST WITH YOU. I'm not necessarily saying dump the girl, but you can't be expected to be a mind reader and you shouldn't have to go back and forth with her on this issue. She said she was ok with it knowing full well that she wasn't. She wasn't doing you a favor by lying.

 

Frankly, I'd try (again) to explain that there really is no risk difference between the 650r and the FZ1, that you're a safe rider, and that if something is gonna happen, what bike you're on is probably going to be irrelevant. Be open and honest with her and let her know that she needs to be that way with you.

 

That said, I have recently found the most girls love bikes, whether or not they admit it. I started seeing this girl who, when she heard I had a bike said "Oh, thats too bad. I really don't like motorcycles". The other day someone asked me why I liked riding in front of her. After I explained, she first told me that it was a big turn on and then said she was thinking about going for a ride with me.

 

Plenty of girls out there. Whether it's with this current one or a new one, make sure you don't find yourself in a relationship when she isn't honest with you.

[zgeezer]

Hey, folks, life is all about making decisions... good ones and bad ones. Some you can live through; some you can't. P.I. lawyers looooove insured young professional/working men with insurance and a crotch rocket. Their injuries are usually pretty profitable. Dirt bikers's injuries are pretty good too; but not as profitable because dirt bikers, as a rule, are too young, often uninsured, and aren't generally in the same income class as guys with serious road bikes.

 

One thing to remember about bikes, even with today's armor, is you seldom simply walk away from an accident. Woman, I think, are more likely to realistically evaluate their future life with men who, after a fall, spend the rest of their life as a "para" or "quad". They worry about things like that; it's the nature of women. Maybe, you should consider it also: if you ride, ride with a lot of insurance. Everyone will be happier, your widow or named beneficiary and her lawyer.

 

Relationships, the good ones anyway, are all about working together and the trade offs one makes in life. If your life really revolves around throwing your leg over 600# of hot throbbing steel, then go for it. But, if you wish a long term relationship at the same time, then you best shop for someone that rides too or step off that bike and into something both of you can share: travel, skydiving, Citabrias, and auto cross come to my mind. Then again, maybe you should move beyond this relationship and go shopping for someone with whom you share more in common.

 

By the way, it is your life; don't get caught up in the common psycho-babble relating to "control" issues that are common on our male dominated forums. We are all controlled: the FAA, IRS, Cops, HOAs, Parents, City Hall, and the erection of the moment all control our actions.

 

Peace, brother,

 

G

[Tony D]

" We are all controlled: the FAA, IRS, Cops, HOAs, Parents, City Hall, and the erection of the moment all control our actions."

Well, you don't have control over most of those situations, you CHOOSE the woman you are going to be with. You might choose an HOA, and if you haven't figured how to think 'dead puppies' for the last one then all hope is lost. But 'choosing to be controlled' is one thing, and most people don't CHOOSE that option. I don't know if it's psychobabble, but I know in every case of divorce I have been associated with, the guys all called me at differing times after it all ended with the exact same question, paraphrased as such:

 

"I did what she asked me to every time. I gave her everything she said she wanted. When I look back on it, I think she just wasn't satisfied no matter what I did, is it me, or did you see any of this along the way?"

 

In one case, the last line was "I think she's just stupid!"

 

When I respond in the affirmative (like to the 'she's stupid' guy) the response is either relief, or 'MAN WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?'

 

Look man, what was I supposed to say "Larry, your wife is dumb as a box of rocks and looks like the Clyde the Orangatuan on 'Any Which Way But Loose'! She was your wife man, it wasn't my place and besides you never asked!"

 

He kinda laughed and said "she does kinda look like Clyde, doesn't she?"

 

Four or five guys, all with the same basic question. Some guys go through hell for three years racking their brain trying to figure out what they did wrong.

 

In the end, (and I hate to say this, but...) Dr. Laura is right: Women control the relationships. If they decide they aren't going to be happy, then they won't be. it doesn't matter what you do! That's not to say you just ignore them and do what you want, but you have to be DAMN SELECTIVE AS POSSIBLE UP FRONT and look for women who aren't looking for excuses to be unhappy about something.

 

One thing I did was give a copy of Dr. Laura's book to someone having issues. It was eye opening for him. He saw the patterns, he saw the writing on the wall. And like suggested, left the book out where she would find it.

 

When dating, if they start giving problems over small stuff like this (like I said, DATING and MARRIED are two different things!) then that bodes ill for the future. Find a girl that looks for common ground, one that looks for ways to get things done, and not for excuses not to do things.

 

If all else fails, fly to the Philippines find a good woman, sling the hammock outside the Nipa Hut and spend the rest of your days on the beach drinking, laughing, and procreating. Simple things mean more than complex things. People make life very complex, and when you get down to it, that isn't what life is about---it's about simple things.

 

The more complex you make it, (and YOU make it complex!) the harder it is to make decisions like this. Distill your thoughts, simplify.

 

Don't be the guy calling me after the divorce asking me "what could I have done differently?" because I'm going to tell it straight: she was unhappy all the time, and no matter what you were going to do, that wasn't going to change!

 

(In one instance, the woman's family disowned her, and invited HIM to Thanksgiving dinner, and APOLOGIZED for her behaviour! I mean, when your own family thinks you are screwed up by bailing on the guy after what he's done...)

 

Cool Hand Luke: "Some people, you just can't reach!"

Edited March 7, 2011 by Tony D

[JSM]

By the way, it is your life; don't get caught up in the common psycho-babble relating to "control" issues that are common on our male dominated forums. We are all controlled: the FAA, IRS, Cops, HOAs, Parents, City Hall, and the erection of the moment all control our actions.

 

Obviously you are not married to a controling women to make such a statement.

[randy 77zt]

bikes are kind of like women.the hot looking bikes are high maintenance and are uncomfortable on long rides.the ugly bikes dont take much maintenance and like to go on long rides.younger people get into relationships and hope the other person will change over time.that never works .tried that in my 1st marriage.have had same girlfriend for 18 years.but we keep our finances and hobbies separate.aux-if you need some tech help with the fz just send me a pm.at 22000 miles mine has just needed tires and oil changes.only complaint is short distance from seat to pegs-would be better for a shorter rider.but at this time i cant afford the bike i want and doubt that it would be as reliable as the fz has been.