Guest ON3GO Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 hey Guys... i dont know if this something to post about but i dont really no who to talk to about this. im posting here because i consider this place a 2nd home and alot of you guys are much older then me, which means maybe you have delt with these problems before, and also i consider most of you guy good friends and some of you have a "father like" effect on me. anyways.. a few days ago my uncle died.. he was my fav uncle, my moms fav brother, my grandmas fav son. he has had a hugh effect on my life as i always had him to rely on and always had him to look up to. he was a crazy guy, would do anything and in my eyes and in alot of peoples eyes he was like superman. NOTHING could stop him, NOTHING! but i guess cancer did. he was in his late 50's but looked no older then 45, and was always in great shape. he left his loving wife, 6 kids (all grown up) and alot of grand children. also sorry if i run on abit.. he had a great effect on my mom, as they were both the youngest of all the brothers and sister. Plus my mothers life wasnt a easy one, she grew up very poor and her father died when she was 9. When he died it made my grandma very unstable which lead to her to be some what abusive and also lead her to a crazy home for about a year. My mom never had a great childhood and im happy, VERY happy she met my dad. Anyways now my mom and her mom are very close, my grandma does love her more then anything (besides me), i just felt i had to say that to not make her look like a bad person. To be honest my grandma kinda rasied me, as my mom and father worked all day and night when we lived in New York. And my grandma is one of my best friends who i can talk to about anything. ok So now my uncle just passed away and now my grandma, who was and is VERY ill from smoking for ages is now doing very bad, she just cant take this very well.. i mean no parent should out live there kids. And to make things worse is my mom, who IS my best friend is not holding up well. which is very hard for me, because she is the strong one in my family as my father has always been sick and she had to carry the load most the time. and what makes this hard for me is that im having a hard time dealing with all this and i cant talk to about, as my mom and grandma are both in a state where they cant deal with this any better. now i really dont no where im going with this but i just havent felt the same, i havent been eating much, i even stopped tinkering with the Z. im so worried about my mom and grandma. anyways i really dont no what to say, as you can tell but i dunno.. Sorry to rant.. Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
80LS1T Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I know exactly what you are going threw. When I was 17 my father died at the age of 62 from a heart attack. The really bad part is I didnt even meet my dad till I was 11. My parents divorced when I was 4. Me, my mom and my sister moved back to wisconsin and my dad stayed out in CA. So I took his death very hard because I never really got to know him. At age 17 you shouldnt have to deal with your fathers death. Then 2 months later my gradma(my dads mom) died. She could deal with her sons death either and I think that finally pushed her over the edge. The only "good" thing that came of my fathers death was he left me his 1980 Datsun 280ZX. I know he'd probably roll over in his grave right now if he saw what I've done to his car! I treat it as 1/2 mine...1/2 his. Its still got the old school look that he liked to it but its got the modern muscle that I need. I know its hard to beleive now but things will get better. Just try to think about all the fun times you had. Try not to be down about it for too long. I know I was and it didnt help me get over it any faster. Hope you feel better soon! Guy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wheelman Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Mike, I to can relate to what you're going through. I didn't loose my dad until I was in my late twenties but he had his first of 3 heart attacks when I was 14 and he changed so much it seemed like he died. It's hard and came as a big shock to me because we were on the outs at the time. I look back and think "Damn, there were so many opportunites to set things right that I never took, now I never can." Since my dad passed away (July 2nd 1992) my younger brother was killed in car accident and my older sister found out she had breast cancer. My sister has since then made a full recovery but when she was dealing with that and then my brother is killed it makes you wonder. Anyway what I'ver learned from the things I've been through is that life is precious and fragile but meant to be lived. It's tough when we loose someone close but the best we can do for them is mourn them and then continue on with our lives keeping their memories as part of us. I don't know if this helps but based on what you've said about your uncle he wouldn't want you all to let his death ruin you. Try to remind your mother and grandmother of that and you remember it as well. Yeah you're all hurting right now but that will heal and life goes on. Wheelman P.S. If you want to talk about things privately off line let me know and I'll give you my contact information. I've been through what you're going through and more and sometimes the best thing is just someone to listen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 2slo4u Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 It'll get better for you every day and I and a lot of us will pray for you, bro. Keep your head up. 81zxturbo rustybutrunning Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaleMX Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Yea, I know how you feel. My wife died last month. She had brain cancer and died here at the house at the age of 51. I have remained an emotional wreck since then. Time is helping, but other than that I have found that just being alone and writing her letters has helped alot. I also talk to her all the time, just like she was standing next to me. That helps also. For the most part I dont tell people about this because I am a loner, but finding someone you trust to talk to is the best thing to do. Unfortunatly I personally dont have that person so I write letters and have daily conversations with my wife. Jan Lovell, rest her soul. She didn't deserve to die like that. Neither did your uncle. Life is not fair. Dale Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillZ260 Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Hang in there Mike, loosing family is difficult and for me an uncomfortable experience. DO think about the good stuff and remember him for who he was. As time passes it will get better, best wishes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest RCNSC Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Sorry to hear that Mike. Just hang in there.... wish there was something I could do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Shasteen Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Mike, For starters Mike you need to understand that IT IS OKAY to feel sad about a loved one passing on. I'm not sure that what I have to say will help, yet it is something I happened upon when I chose to research this phenomenon we humans call "Feelings". I chose to read up on this subject because I have always been one who hates to be mentally manipulated. This is what I found. I came upon an interesting subject. The subject was NLP. Neuro-Linguistic Programming. This involves the identifying, defining, and utilizing what we commonly refer to as feelings. It is also what salesmen, marketing, and advertising uses against us and also gets used against us by people in general who are "Predators". Predators are masters at manipulating an individuals emotions. We often refer to a part of our body when we speak of a specific feeling. We might say my heart is broken because of .., I've got butterflies in my stomach because of .., anyway you get the idea. The point is that feelings are not tangible. They are mental. Each individual is affected physically when an emotion is triggered. What I've read on NLP is that we all have a common process for dealing with the Faculties of our mind. Our mind will categorize all input into 5 faculties (according to those that like to write these kind of books). When one of these 5 faculties are triggered, then a response is mandatory. The response is going to be an Emotional Choice. the 7 Emotional Choices are: 1) Anger 2) Sadness 3) Fear 4) Guilt 5) Hurt 6) Disappointment 7) Anxiety Of these emotional choices they all can be further sub-categorized into: 1) High Energy 2) Low Energy Theres nothing wrong with finding yourself in a High Energy or Low Energy moment. The problem arises when we get stuck in a High Energy moment for too long or we get stuck in a Low Energy moment for too long. The trick is to dicipline our minds to remain in center/neutral for most of the time and to not remain to the left or right for extended periouds of time. Anger: High Energy-compells us to take action and respond. Gets us over hurdles that are difficult to surpass. Often associated with situations we dont like and provides the energy to take action. Sadness: Low Energy-encourages deep reflection necessary to cope and deals with difficult emotional moments Fear:-Heightens the senses which intensifies our awareness. This alerts us to Potential problems and gives us the energy to respond quickly for a possible escape to an environment that may harm us. Guilt: can be Low or High Energy depending on what is triggering the feeling. Guilt is tied to evaluating between Right or Wrong. It limits our actions to values which are questioned or have been compromised. Once additional information is obtained then our minds can move on to a more suitable emotion. Hurt: Low Energy and similar to Sadness. Hurt encourages deep reflection regarding an event we are currently experiencing. This is a constant reminder that what we experienced is not okay with us. Disappointment: Low Energy. Helps us focus on an event whose results concern us. It keeps our awareness hight and may lead to excitement. It prepares us for a future event. Anxiety: High Energy: can be debilitating because it gives us energy to respond to an event that hasnt happened and may not even happen. It also intensifies our awareness to a potential event that may not be acceptable. What is interesting about "feelings" is that we have the ability to control our own feelings. The feelings we feel are based upon our mental perception. The important issue to remember is that it is okay to experience sadness. Just be aware of what you are feeling and while you are experiencing this feeling dont entertain anything that will harm yourself (like not eating), and in time, your mind will allow you to move from a low energy back to center. Right now, talk to family members or friends, like you have done here at Hybridz. Talk to other family memebers about your uncle and recall the good times. It wont bring back your uncle but it will help you cope the loss of someone who was important to you. Sometimes only time can heal. Mourning a loss takes time and wont happen overnight, so dont think that you are wrong or bad because you think you are not dealing with this as well as what you believe you should. Take as much time as you need to cope - just dont let it harm you or those around you. Sorry for your loss Mike - as hard as it is to believe time will heal this wound. In the meantime consult with other family members that knew your uncle and relive the good times: or simply express your feelings to them. It is okay to miss someone that has passed away to whom you were close. Kevin, (Yea,Still an Inliner) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datsunan Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Sorry for your loss Mike. Just as you need to talk to someone about your feeling so should your mom and grandma and anyone else who is affected by this loss. Don't be afraid to talk to them as it is part of the healing process and you all need to grieve befor you can move on. Hang in there you'll make it through this and be stronger in the long run. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikelly Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Grieving is a natural proc... Ah Horsecrap. Grieving sux. There is nothing worse than the thought of losing someone you care for. Hell, we all get choked up over it. What will get you through this Mike, Is to remember all of the positive aspects this man brought about in his daily life. There is nothing wrong with admiting you have this empty hole in your heart, where this relative/ friend once was. But you have to confront the pain and loss, deal with, cope with it, accept it, and move on in life, knowing that your uncle would want you to live as much and as full a life as you can. You need to also be there for your mother. She is your best friend by your own admission. She'll need you most now. And remember, you have your extended family here on Hybrid, Don't hesitate to ask for an ear or a shoulder. Mike 8) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RPMS Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Hey, Mike. Losing someone you love just plain sucks, and I'm sorry you have to go through this. All I can suggest is that you cry your eyes out a couple of times, then go give your mom a big hug and be there if she needs to cry her eyes out for a while. I have found for myself that God answers prayers for strength and peace at times like these, but nothing except time will make the pain fade. Even though we're all separated by great geographic distances, we're all there with you. Scott Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 77vegasz Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 My deepest sympathy on your loss. I hope the following words give you some food for thought. The only real legacy you leave behind is the effect on the people in your life. Your uncle left behind a real legacy from the sounds of things. By doing and saying things that you picked up from him, and remembering him, you will be honoring him everyday, and therefore he will live on through the people he touched. As a human being this is the best thing we can hope for. I know it is not a consolation to you all in your time of need, but he is no longer in pain and in a better place. Be happy for him, be happy for the time you spent together and remember him every day. Focus on how he loved life, and how he would want his loved ones to be strong, go on and enjoy life as he did, after all, every day on earth is a good one. This is the stategy that helped me through a very tough loss of my own. Hope this helps. Jon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsommer Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Mike and Dale please accept my condolences on the loss of your loved ones. My heart goes out to each of you. I too know what it’s like to grieve; I lost my wife almost 2 years ago, taking her own life me having to find her. Present day finds me remarried but something is wrong, I get angry easily, have a low opinion of my employer (used to be a good relationship) and kind of a “don’t give a crap†attitude. Problem? You bet. I’m making everybody around me miserable. Diagnosis, depression. After my late wife’s passing I saw a counselor one time. The fellow explained to me what Kevin did in a previous post. That didn’t help. Last week I started seeing another counselor. She is more “in tune†with what is going on in my head. I used to dismiss counseling as a bunch of BUNK, not anymore. Please, both of you go see a third party NOT necessarily clergy either (yes I believe in God) but go see a trained professional, they will help you place things in perspective. God be with you and I will pray for both of you. David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikelly Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 David, Dale and Mike, Sounds like you guys could form a bit of a support group. Depression is a serious problem that should never be overlooked. In 1998 I suffered a severe head injury that fractured my skull and caused swelling on the brain. For 21 days I woke up everyday, not knowing if it would be my last. I survived, and the swelling, and related blood clot eventually passed, but the damage and cranial shift of the brain within the skull remained, putting additional tension on my spinal cord. There is no fix... But guess what a side effect of the impact to the damaged region of the brain was? I'd hear a song on the radio and start crying. Someone would say the wrong thing and I'd be mad, hurt or just sad. I too had to go see a specialist for depression, and for three years after the incident I had to see a neurologyst. Do not be affraid to seek help, and don't think you will get it right with the first Dr. Depression and its treatment is case by case, and each Dr. has their own style that "Fits" or doesn't. You've all three got a large extended family here, so don't hesitate to reach out to others on the board. Mike 8) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaleMX Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 Mike & David, I think these guys are right and have some good advice. I will go see a counseler soon. I have a dendency to believe that I am stronger than anyone else and I am usually proven wrong. Now that some time has passed (month and a half) I believe that the timing is correct for me to have a little talk with someone. I'll PM you guys later. I know that this was Mikes post, but I got something out of it. It's good to know there are friends out there. Take care all, Dale Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
v8dats Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 hey mike sorry to hear that. hit me up if you want to talk juan Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cody 82 ZXT Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Hey Mike, All I really can say is that we're here and in time wil heal all even if it doesn't seem like it will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ON3GO Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 well to be honest guys, just reading this post put a smile on my face and cheered me up PLENTY! i really cant say how much i truly love each and every one of you guys, you all have helped me in some way, shape, or form throughout the years ive been on this site. with this thread taking the cake. i dont really think i need a counseler, but i do think ill be one for my mom and grandma. the only thing that makes it worse is im here in texas and there all in florida. worse part is i cant afford to take off from school and etc, and my parents really cant afford to come see me. i understand its hard times right now and im sure all will get better with time. DaleMX i dont know if this will help any but i lost my girl friend of about 4 years on the back of my motorcycle. I know she wasnt my wife but i sure did want her to be mine, still would. worse part is i felt at fault when i know it wasnt mine. i wont get into it all but understand i kinda know what your going threw. i might only be 20 but if you ever wanna talk about that please contact me... and thanks to all of you guys again! Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
z-REX Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 i don't know how i managed to miss this thread. i've been there too, man. i lost my father and brother within a year of each other (i was 10-11) and now my mother has 30% of her lungs left. i've been trying to get myself to do a better job of facing that last fact, because i'm still pretty much in denial of the whole thing and a big part of me knows that it's going to nail me if i don't start to deal with it. sad part of it is, when my dad died, he withered away from cancer and even as young as i was, i came to understand that him being alive wasn't living at all. so why am i where i am now? i guess it's probably because i've already lost one parent and i don't want to face another one going. i don't know... even being married with a kid and another one coming, you get scared about the idea of a world without your mom and dad. back to you man... we talk enough on aim that you know i'm always here. it isn't easy, but it gets better when you've got some people around you who care. s&&& man, i might be the one calling on any of you guys soon. just the fact that all of you guys have been able to share all of this with the rest of us on here shows what i already knew... this is way more tha a message board, it really is like a family. for people, 90% of which have never met face toface to reach out to each other and share some really deep parts of themselves is amazing. and to think, i started coming here to talk about cars... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest subdermal Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 I didn't post on this earlier because I couldn't figure out how to say this... but here goes. Be there for your family. However, don't use that as a replacement for your own grieving process. When my father took his own life, I took on the role of the 'strong quiet one' for everyone else to use as a support and as a sign of strength and calm in very difficult circumstances. To this day I have never properly grieved for the loss of a father I never took the opportunity to really get to know. You will be more help to your family and to yourself if you make sure to take care of your own mourning as well. That being said, please accept my best wishes and condolences. As others have said more eloquently, time will heal this to an extent and you do the greatest service to the memory of loved ones by celebrating the times you had together and passing their lessons on to others and to your own family later. I don't actually know you at all, but you seem fairly together and although you may not think so now, in time you will be fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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