Tasered!

[Phantom]

I saw this on another forum, www.dfwss.org, and figured you guys would enjoy it.

 

I know most men would think this way....

 

To give you some background information, Greg. the author of this email, is a 58 year old about 6'3" and about 220lbs. and contary to this story, he is quite an intelligent person..

 

Dear Friends,

 

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something like "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near furture.

 

Here goes.

 

Last weekend I spied something in the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.

(note:keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)

 

I bought my wife something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 12th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

 

What I came across was 100,000-volt,pocket sized Taser gun with a clip.For those of you who are not familiar with this product. It is a less than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,low amperage eletricity while you flee to safety.

 

The effects are supposed to be short lived,withno long-term adverse effect on your assaliant, but allowing you adwquate time to retrest to safety.You simply jab the the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assaliant,push the button, and it will render him slobbering,goggle-eyed,muscle twitching,whimpering,pencil-neck geek.

 

If you never seen one of these in action,then you're truly missing out-way cool!!

 

Long story Short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two aaa batteries inthe darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was so disappointed.Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much chargin that particular mode would not create an arch between the prongs.

 

How diasappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,and passed it against a metal surface that I's get the blue archof electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so, Awesome! Sparks,a blue arch of electricity , and a loud pop!!!

 

Yipeeeee... I'm easily amused,just for your information,but, I have yet to explain to my eife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay,so I was home alone with this new toy,thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad withonly two aaa batteries,etc.,etc. There I sat in my recliner,my dog lookingon intenly (trusting little soul),reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

 

I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thig to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,Taser in another.

 

The dorections said that a one-second burts would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring 5" long, less tha 3/4 inch in circumference,pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,bitsy AAA batteries0thinking to myself,"no friggin'way!" Friggin' way-trust me, but I'm gettin ahead of myself.

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it, buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt hurt all that bad. (sound, rational thinking under the circumstance, wouldn't you agree?)

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the hell of it.

 

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ********!!!!

 

I'm pretty sure Jesse Ventura ran in the fron door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself,"do it again, please do it again"

 

(Note: If you ever feel compilled to mug yourself with a taser. one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a viloent thrashing about the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge the pronges 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

 

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,as time was relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps,right thigh and both tittes were twitching. My face felt like it had shot up with Novacain, as my bottom lip weighed 80 lbs. give or take a ounce ot two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large.

 

Miss'em....... sure would like to get'em back...

 

 

 

Greg

[mjfawke]

Roflmao!!

[Bartman]

You know what's coming, but it still cracked me up.

 

Unfotunately it sounds like something I would do...but wait I have a dog.

[Cody 82 ZXT]

That was great. I have no dought that given the oppurtunity all of us would atleast think of doing the same thing. Hopefully we'd pass and just have to wonder!

[pete280z]

Good one! I laughed so hard it hurt. My wife must think I'm crazy I've been laughing so hard.

[BLOZ UP]

Ha! That's funny, sounds like something I would try.

 

I've always wondered how they worked. It seems like with .03 amps, it wouldn't be able to go through the body, but apparently that doesn't matter as long as the voltage is high enough. Yay for transformers:

 

[Guest iskone]

That's halalious.

 

I did something like that with one of those dog colars, I was like "What? If this dog can take it so can I" It was quite the shocker!!!

 

Isk

[Clifton]

Holy Shiit that was funny. I was laughing when half way in.

[fastzcars]

That so funny, I had tears :lmao: runnin down my face

[JIM73240Z]

That Was To F*'n Funny. My Dogs Would Be Great Specimens For That Kind Of Experiment, Or Better Yet, The Neighbors Dog That Will Not Shut Up In The Middle Of The Night. I Grabbed Onto An Electrical Fence Once. Hurt Like Hell. Was Numb For Days And Dumb For A Long Time After That.

 

Jim

[Z-Gad]

Very funny!! Thanks for posting

[Thumper]

My girlfriend read that and said "I could so see you doing that". But who am I kidding I probably would.

[Guest zfan]

ROTFLMAO....Bill, that was great!

 

Mike

[Dan Juday]

I did the same thing to myself two weeks ago with my megohm meter. DAMN that hurt! And that was only 500 volts. It's very amusing watching your hand hold down the button that's causing you so much pain and you just can't let up.

[wheelman]

My wife found an electric flyswatter in one of those junk catalogs we all get and bought one for our camper (you all know how it is when camping).

 

So we're out camping and a bunch of yellow jackets show up to share our meal with us. I grab the "Electric FlySwatter" and decide to see if it really works. There are 2 buttons on the handle that have to be pressed simultaneously to charge a big capacitor in the thing, then it stays charged until something crosses the wires that are strung across the face of the paddle. So I charge the thing and take up station in my chair to wait for the first unsuspecting yellowjacket to happen by so I can get him. I'm wearing cutoffs so my legs are bare and before you know it I start hitting the edge of the paddle on my knee, you know the nervous fidgeting we all do, and then hit the wires on my leg. I ended up bit like the guy in the first post only the flyswatter sailed across the camp ground. It's amazing how much energy can be obtained from 2 AA batteries. I still have burn marks on my knee from that thing and believe me it will kill flys, hornets, yellowjackets, bees and small birds. Now we have 2 of them in the camper but no one charges the circuit until they are ready to attack.

 

Wheelman

[vashonz]

People where I work tell stories about using a megger (megohm meter I think, I ar mekanik) to charge capacitors then throwing them at other people.

[Guest ON3GO]

wow im crying, thats damn funny.

sad thing is i got tasered back in highschool.

a kid in the 11th grade (i was in the 12th) brought one to lunch.

everybody looked right at me and said try it... i guess they new me well enough.

im not sure at all if this one had different settings, all i know is i didnt wake up for 5mins and the side of my chest was numb for a week!

i went to a christian school and i remember a teacher going "holy shiit that must have hurt"

 

mike