David K Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 (edited) removed Edited January 8, 2015 by David K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike kZ Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Sounds like this old girlfriend was your first real love in life. You will always remember her!All through your life you will remember her, that's normal. I still think of my first love, and think what it would be like if I was still with her. Just keep her in you thoughts, but don't mess up what you have now. One day once you have been married awhile, you could talk about both your old relationships, but you won't have to worry about it because you love each other. You could be having cold feet about getting married, and thinking about other options. This is normal too. Just stick with you new girl, and don't look back. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
timh Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Just an opinion from a slightly elder (33) man. You'll always remember the "one", but she'd soon be replaced in your memory if your current sweety and newborn were suddenly out of the picture. Most of us have someone we think about years later, but it's an idealized person that has moved on as well. Pass on the "closure" theory, it'd just bring up old feelings, just move on. "Love the One Your With" - Luther Vandross Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Dave, Sounds like you're "Chasing Amy" brother, rent that movie, it provides a lot of good insight. Good luck as well Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blueovalz Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Man oh man! I love being older 'cause I've gone through this stuff, and assume I'm the wiser for it. You've got way too much going on in your mind to be settling down. From the tone of your post, I'd say pure emotion has been leading your decisions for the past few years rather than some good ol' rational thought. You need to objectively find out who you want to have in your life (list good and bad). Yeah, being infatuated (falling in love) is a wonderful "high", but IF you're lucky, and work hard at it, that stuff turns into real hard core love and RESPECT that is augmented by realistic and common goals that both of you should have (and share) for your lifetime together. There isn't enough space on this forum to discuss this properly. My suggestion: go spend a small amount of money for a personal one-on-one with a counselor that can give you some good outside advice. Making a mistake here will be a world of torment later. Whatever you decide to do, there's a little person that will need you worse than you will ever realize (until it's too late). Being married to his mother is great, but it may not be your (or theirs) ultimate solution. If you cannot discuss the situation you've described here to your fiancé, then you both are not ready to "join". Hard words, yeah; true words, yeah; uncomfortable words, you bet, but life is life, and to make it the best you can, you've got to invest in some emotional struggles (and pain) to get the fantastic emotional rewards from it. First thing first though, get a condom (sorry, I had to add that in there). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikelly Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 I'd also suggest birth control. Seriously, you've gotten two women pregnant (Even though they were at different phases of your life) and Although I've lived with women as well over the years, you really don't want a lot of children running around with out "DAD" there constantly. I know you are settled with this girl and you guys are excited about being together, but think about the first girl in your story. I bet in a million years you would never have thought you guys would break up during that whole first year... "Puppy love" or "Love Goggles" as they call it is a tough condition to get through. First true love of my life took a piece of my soul, as well as a large chunk of my bank account at the ripe old age of 22. She almost bankrupted me. Nothing like coming home to a house that was cleaned out and utilities turned off. She didn't even leave me any food or toilet paper, towels, sheets, bed, TV, NOTHING... Talk about a kick in the nutts... This from my first REAL love... Ain't it grand... Niche' said it best... If it doesn't kill you... Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 David, What your feeling is natural. Probably cold feet. Sounds like your happy for the most part now. I think thats what you need to concentrate on. Remember, there was a reason you broke up with the first girl! Just hang tight and worry about that kid when its born. If you think getting married will change your life, try on a baby for size. From MTV: You think you know, but you have no idea! Being a dad is coolest thing you can do You'll see. Good luck, Tom (35, married 8 yrs, 1 girl 5 yrs old) (3-4 "serious" relationships before that, but wouldn't trade my wife for any 2 of them ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denny411 Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 I have to agree with Mike. (on most points)The exception is, I believe that unless it`s unavoidable(death, physical abuse), A child has the RIGHT to have both parents in it`s life everyday. It is the most selfish thing anyone can do to have a baby with someone, and think that a few bucks and visitation every other weekend makes them a father. I know it`s not always avoidable, but you and your current girlfriend have the obligation to DEAL with whatever problems and shortcoming you might have, for the sake of the baby you will have together. The emotional well being of your child takes precidence over any other "feelings" you might have, and that requires two loving parents involved in his/her life on a daily basis. I suspect that your ex girlfriend is overwhelmed by guilt and that being away from you is a way to escape that. "out of sight..out of mind" My point of view is coming from the father of two small children, one three and one two month old. There have been times that I`ve been away from my son for weeks at a time, and he went through terrible separation anxiety. He would literally plead with me not to leave. This tore my heart out. When I would come home he wouldn`t even let me leave his sight because he thought I might leave without him knowing. I guess what I`m trying to say is.. It`s ALL about the kids. Everything else takes a back seat. Get counseling or whatever you need but sty together, at leaste untill you child is out of school. If you don`t think you can stay together forever. get you bag snipped so you don`t have anymore kids. Then you can get out in 18 yrs. My .02 "Just think about your baby" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mikelly Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Denny, re-read my post man... We are on the same page... Last thing I want people thinking is that I'm FOR people not raising their kids... I'm the product of the same parents being together under the same roof for 43 years. I also am a STEP-Parent and see the effects of divorce on the family... It is devistating and forever changing... My suggestion was meant for Young David here to stop getting women pregnant unless he is married to them with the intention of staying with them... Nothing says stress more than an unplanned pregnancy... Mike Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
denny411 Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Sorry Mike, I confused some of the input from one of the other post with yours. I read through them too fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Anonymous Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 David.....not to be flippant but "if you can't love the one you love,love the one you're with" as an old song goes. Just about any one with normal human emotions has been involved in a situation one time or another like yours. My observation of life will not help you cope any better with your prrsent state of mind though. I still grieve for my first "few" love(s) but the reality is: my life would have been miserable with them and that is why I am not with them. I have known people who crippled themselves grieving over some lost love emotion that in reality never had a chance of survival. Kind of like the Army Corps of Enginners spending millions building duck nests in Southern Oregon where there is no water. Get a grip on it and when you got nothing else to worry about, grieve about the one who escaped. Every once in awhile, I grieve about what's her name. ( and sometimes I get Karin,Kay,Marilyn,Debbie, and the new one LUCY all mixed up. Thank god , I have the present wife, memories and a bunch of old junk Datsuns.......Cut it loose before it cuts you and everyonel close to you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
utvolman99 Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Okay, I know exactly what your talking about. The first girl I really loved is still in my dreams from time to time. We dated for about three years just like you. A few months ago we started talking again. I was so excited. Even though I was the one who had originally broke things off I was flying high at the thought of us getting back together. Problem was after the first month I began to remember why we originally split. You see I had made her into this perfect person in my mind. All I ever thought about were the good times. We have stopped talking again and to this day I still dream about her. I guess it will be that way for the rest of my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pop N Wood Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 First off, you sound like an emotionally mature person. I am sure if you follow your heart you will do the right thing. Second, I have been where you are. I have been married for 10 years now (my anniversary is next week) to a woman I love beyond anything that is reasonable. We have 2 kids and a life together that most people can’t even conceive of let alone obtain. When I first met my wife it was on the rebound of my first serious love. The previous relationship was incredibly intense, but no matter how hard we tried we flat drove each other crazy. I guess like you we knew it would never work out and finally had to split. With all that I still have very strong memories of my previous flame. I think once feelings like that happen you can never really make them go away again. I guess what I am saying is your feelings are normal and shouldn’t prevent you from having a happy future with your new wife. But, what you need to do is distinguish whether what you are feeling is just fond memories or truly a desire to be with the Ex again. Don’t confuse the two and don’t cheat your new wife if you can’t make an honest commitment to her. Two last suggestions: don’t EVER EVER EVER tell your new fiancée about this “empty space”. Mixed feelings doesn't even begin to describing what she will read into your statements. And second, quit listening to Mariah Carey. Try some AC/DC at top volume to blast that nonsense out of your brain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lockjaw Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 I think what you really need is some closure. You never got to hear from the girl that SHE did not want to have anything to do with you, you heard from her mom. I have been there, I have done that, and sometimes I still wonder. Right now I am dealing with a spouse that has never committed our entire mariage and has decided to go for her second divorce, so I see all the things I should have seen that told me this person was not the one for me. My advice to you is this. Yes you have this woman pregnant, and you have a responsility to her and the child, but is there anything there that your gut tells you is messed up? Is there anything there you don't like but you think you can deal with later? Anything she doesn't want that you want and you think you can convince her later? If so, rethink your marriage plans. Also, my hot topic question. Ask your wife to be who her family is going to be once you are married. If the answer is not you and your baby, she is not the girl for you. Get some good pre-marital counseling, it is worth its weight in gold. Finally you cannot go back to the past. It is over and done with, and nothing will ever change that. You have to face the fact that this girl probably has had some issue's with the termination of the pregnancy (most women do regret it later on) and she has dealt with it and moved on. Seeing you will only dredge up those feelings, and she probably prefers to leave them where they are. Good luck with your current situation, and do talk to someone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim240z Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 My 2c: Deal with it and move on. We've probably all been there, done that....dwelling on the past means you're facing the wrong direction......turn around and look forward: To the future!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mudge Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 I think its kind of normal, you win some you lose some, in all aspects of life. I lost one too about 5 years ago, took me about 11 months to really move on, pretty damn long time. I just wasn't ready and my immaturity hurt a good thing, stupid me in this case, not quite the same as yours but same outcome. Anyhow, even though sometimes some things dont seem the same, I've been with the same person now for 3.5 years, and she is just about every kind of perfect I could hope for. Of course she is still a woman so she isn't 100% perfect but things are great. All you can really do is look back once in awhile hopefully with a smile, remember the good times, but hey it just didn't work out, and there must be a reason for that. I prefer to just leave it at that because if you try to figure it out you will just go nuts, and still not figure it out, and you have a new life now to work on - not the past. Whats done is done, leave it that way. Your still young (as am I), I'm going on 27 and the woman is going on 29. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synlubes Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 A wise man once said; dwelling on the past means you're facing the wrong direction......turn around and look forward: To the future!!! (Credit to Tim) David only you know what you`re going thru and only you can make the decision on what to do. Trust what your gut is telling you. Get some counselling(it never hurts to listen to what a trained outsider has to say). Making no dessisions is better than making a wrong one. The lessons of life and love, sometimes SUCK ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mudge Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Lots of wisdom and experience here... You will always remember the first, kind of like a peice of you may be gone after that but the wound heals up, even though you may still have a scar from it. You are young, and it really takes a good long while before you know your going to be with someone awhile. If you two got "sick of each other", then something was not right or there was some kind of stress on the situation there. There is also alot of wisdom in simply keeping young Willy in your pants, or staying protected, for many reasons - yourself and others. We all live and learn, and there are many things that you will reflect upon from time to time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Synlubes Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Oh yea, like mike said I'd also suggest birth control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mudge Posted January 30, 2003 Share Posted January 30, 2003 Originally posted by Jim Powers:Two last suggestions: don’t EVER EVER EVER tell your new fiancée about this “empty spaceâ€. Mixed feelings doesn't even begin to describing what she will read into your statements. And second, quit listening to Mariah Carey. Try some AC/DC at top volume to blast that nonsense out of your brain. I agree with both points, I'd almost question what your estrogen levels are As MUCH as Sandra and I get along GREAT and can talk about almost anything, there are just some things that women seem to react to, so you just have to be on carefull footing. Kind of sucks, I was raised to be pretty darn open minded and can talk about pretty much anything without getting pissy. You will have to feel things out on your own. When I was down during the breakup though, or even what you can do now, best thing for me was to KEEP BUSY doing what I liked to do. Not spending time pondering things that were too painfull to deal with at the time. Listen to some pounding music that gets your psyche going, and just do stuff to keep busy, productive stuff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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